Walking on Eggshells

Love... ah, love! One of the greatest blessings we can receive. A couple committed to each other, respecting each other, becoming best friends, and supporting one another... just beautiful!

If you live in a world of butterflies and rainbows like I do, this is the love and companionship you aspire to have. The reality is that you have to be able to separate your heart from your mind, and decipher your lover's true intentions.

Everyone comes with baggage, especially those in their later years who have children (or in some cases, grandchildren) and who have endured several relationships. Issues in any relationship are kind of "a given," and we all want to be supportive, be there through the rough times as well as the good times.

But, baggage does not include behavior that takes away from your partner. Rough times do not mean you have to put up with the same disrespectful or narcissistic behavior for the rest of your life! Being supportive does not mean that you have to give in to your partner's wants, needs and dreams while sacrificing your own.

Know your worth.

Her name was Jesse, and she truly believed that she had finally met the man of her dreams. He seemed sweet, funny, handsome, and her heart skipped a beat every time she heard his voice or saw him.

He liked to hold hands, and make it seem like he wanted to show her off to the whole world. Jesse fell in love so quickly with John, and he loved her too. More importantly, she FELT the love from him. Every gesture, every thought, every kind word erased her doubts from previous relationships and set her on a path to a feeling she had rarely felt with men—security.

He made her a priority in his life and they took on the task of "blending" their families with a positive outlook and open arms. Each weekend she spent with his teenage children, she grew to love them more and more. They did everything together as a couple and it felt wonderful. She didn't ask him to do anything or spend time with her—he just did it.

As in all new relationships couples end up having those long, thoughtful conversations where they divulge their problems from the past, and talk about their likes and dislikes. In one of those conversations Jesse told her new love about how she had dealt with alcoholism in her previous relationship, and how it had ultimately destroyed their union. John assured Jesse that he was a "couple of beers every once in a while" kind of guy. She was happy with that.

Her concern began when she started noticing that "a couple of beers" was not quite the truth. She found out that while she was at work, he was sometimes at the bar. She would watch him at home drink two beers... another four while talking to his buddy on the porch... another two with dinner... and more as the evening progressed. She had hoped that these might be isolated incidents, but she discovered the truth as time went on—she was with an alcoholic. Her immediate reaction should have been to run, and run far... but she was already deeply in love with John.

She brought her concerns to his attention and was told, "Yeah, I need to cut back... I will, I promise." This was the first of many empty promises, and the beginning of the lies. He lied about the bar. He lied to himself about his addiction... and of course, the lies turned into making Jesse feel guilty.

The first fight was just as confusing as it was memorable. It was a ride in the car that started off as questions about John's work that somehow escalated into a debate about male/female relationships on the job, and privacy. John hadn't been drinking, but he was on edge. When Jesse wanted clarity on the conversation he quickly shut her down telling her he was "done," and that he no longer wanted to talk about anything. She felt like a child who was just reprimanded by her father.

She was hurt, yet stayed silent to avoid a further argument. Upon their arrival back into town John insisted they stop by a local bar for a drink. After a couple of beers (drank in silence) he became Mr. Wonderful again—holding her hand, kissing her cheek, and telling her he was sorry.

And, so it began.

As the days, weeks, months wore on Jesse learned to tread carefully and walk on eggshells... depending on the day. She tried not to mention the drinking—it just fueled the fire. There were countless evenings when she would receive a phone call from John to say goodnight, but it would somehow turn into a three hour long nightmare. By 11 PM John would be drunk, and although the conversation would start off well, he would ultimately find some random subject or conversation from days before that would ignite an anger in him. One night he was focused on a text Jesse sent to her ex (that she read to John) from three days ago... from there it turned into a full fledged "Jesse bashing" like no other. Accusations, insults, being compared to other women, being called stupid, the swearing... it was unbelievable!

As she cried and begged him to stop, he would just hang up on her—then he'd call her back five minutes later to apologize. The bashing would then proceed once more, and it never occurred to her in her pain that she was trying to reason with a drunk person. Her self-doubt became her worse enemy.

The day after was always filled with sadness and Jesse was emotionally and physically exhausted. John would eventually call her to apologize, but he would barely remember any of the conversation. When she tried to express her pain and disappointment about the hurtful events, he would again get angry with her for trying to "guilt" him about it.

Weekend visits with the children were hit or miss... it was clear everything could be jovial and light hearted until the fifth or sixth beer. That's when everyone got quiet, and serious conversations became ridiculously serious conversations. Jesse remembers a conversation between John and his teenage son which started out as casual banter, everyone listening until eventually his son couldn't get a word in, and "the gloves were off." John became full of nasty comments and sarcasm directed toward his son who looked hurt, and glanced at Jesse for help. She knew she couldn't intervene or she would be accused of "not being on his side" which would cause an even bigger argument. She felt small and weak for letting his son down.

As with any abusive... yes, abusive... or narcissistic behavior things escalated quickly and spun out of control. It's rather amazing how easily it happens, and even the most well-educated, secure, independent person won't know what hit them. You tell yourself you want to leave, you don't want to live this way anymore, yet you are constantly telling yourself, "If I just love him more he'll feel better," "If I just try to be more understanding, he'll see how much I love him, and things will change."

The arguments WILL become worse and much more intense. At times, Jesse would be bombarded with accusations that came out of nowhere, hateful, awful words... and when she tried to defend herself she was then accused of trying to argue. What? A "cooling off" drive turned into John taking the time to call Jesse a control freak... what??

Like Jesse, you will start to doubt everything about yourself, and self-worth. Your head will spin from the Jekyll and Hyde life you're experiencing. One minute you are "no different than his ex," never happy," "always wanting to start an argument." The next minute you are being showered with affection as if you are the most amazing woman in the world.

He will tell you to get out. He will wake you up in the middle of the night in a drunken state telling you it's over, and then he will beg you to stay. He will be angry and hateful and scream at you while you cower in a corner like a caged animal, and take away every sense of dignity and self esteem you've known. And, while you can't escape the situation or vocalize your thoughts you still feel a deep love for this broken person.

Sometimes, even love is not enough. Sometimes, you have to realize that you can't save someone, but you do have to save yourself.

Several years passed before Jesse decided that fighting a losing battle with John was too much. She needed to fight for herself. When the shoving started during their latest battles she knew just how toxic the relationship had become. The saddest part was that he blamed her for the shoving... as most abusers do.

With an ache in her heart she left a home she cherished, friends and family she adored, and a man she loved—because SHE deserved to be loved. Her perception of love had been diminished by the idea of love with John, and she realized that she was and had sacrificed so much of herself for someone who would not do the same for her.

Relationships are a journey of struggle and misunderstandings, but when it forces you to lose a part of yourself, when it causes you to sacrifice your happiness, it's time to begin a new journey... a new, glorious path of loving and respecting yourself.

Know your worth!

The empty days and nights of crying silently in the bathroom after he passes out needs to end. The doubts about yourself and your worth as a partner in life MUST be repaired. The days and nights where you walk on eggshells not knowing if this is a good or bad day needs to come to a close. The days of loving unconditionally with someone who has so many conditions on their love should no longer be tolerated.

You WILL mourn. When you face loss and trauma you will need to grieve—fully and deeply. You will mourn all that has been taken away from you, everything and everyone and you will experience the torment of asking yourself a million questions in your mind.

But, you WILL survive and you will come out of it stronger and more confident than you could have imagined! Find your passion. Fill your days with everything that brings you joy. Embrace your new life with gratitude.

"Love your mistakes, love the anger, the sadness, and the process. Remember that you did the best you could with what you knew, and tomorrow you will do better because you know more." - Elizabeth Corey

You are bruised, but not broken, my dear. You WILL survive, you WILL endure, and you WILL find yourself again. As you heal, remember :

"You don't learn to un-love them, you just learn to love yourself more." - Vinati

Peace...