Walls and Numb Emotions

I think there are many times in life when one just becomes numb to the attack of pain and struggle, and as a result, numb to ones own feelings, no matter how good or how bad. Right now, that is 100 percent how I feel. I feel like I have been through so much heart-ache this year that I just put these walls up and no one is allowed in... Okay, people are allowed in. But it's a good few. It's just so frustrating because the people who were once close to me I think I've pushed away... And I don't like that one bit. I HATE IT!

Why do I do this? I think it's because I've invested so much into friendships and relationships and I've been so transparent and trusting with people that I have set myself up for heartbreak every time. Not everyone who's been close to me has broken my heart—but many. And I still love those people, but now there are walls surrounding my heart that weren't there before. And I hate that. But seriously, it's hard to find someone that can truly be trusted with another's heart in this world. I dread the idea of opening up to someone... Which brings me to the concept of dating.

The idea sounds great. Nice. I've done it before, but merely casually. This time, I'd like something better. Something real. I want someone who wants to grow in love and who actually wants to make a difference in this world with me. Not just some hook-up or a one-night stand. But I've been hurt so many times... (not in dating, just with relationships in general), how am I to know that someone will have my back? And how am I to know that this person will cherish my heart and love me for me, not just my face, my body, or what I can give them? I am open to being that same thing for someone else, but... At the same time, there are still these walls here... I guess someone is just going to have to come my way who I know without a doubt is worth tearing down these walls for.

But I can’t keep numbing my emotions… I seriously just can’t keep this up. I have to open myself up to feeling something… Not just some thing, but the right thing, for the right person. I just don’t want to invest a huge amount of myself without being absolutely sure that this person will push me to be better without dismissing the fact that they have to better themselves. I want them to be accountable and kind, be willing to stick up for themselves, and others. I want this person be emotionally functional enough to build and enjoy a life with me.

Whether it’s dating or relationships period, if I want anything resembling what I just spoke of, then I need to become that myself. I need to be warm hearted, I need to be passionate, I need to be bold enough to stick up for myself and others. Because those things that I require of someone, I want for myself. I want to live a life of boldness and passion. And one thing I realize is that it is OKAY to put these walls up as long as I am not blocking out true love. It’s okay to have walls as long as I am allowing positive things in, because walls protect what is precious. My heart is protected by these walls, from all the negative energy that's out in this world. But numbing my emotions to where I cant feel anything, that’s just unrealistic. Because, in a way, that’s the kind of wall I don’t want to have… The wall that blocks out anything that I feel to the point where I cannot open up to a single soul.

If I want to cultivate healthy relationships… I can’t block out my emotions. Eventually, I have to open up. Eventually, I’m going to have to let myself feel again.