Was I Ever In Love?

Have you ever thought you were in love? Like real, infatuating, head-over-heels-I-want-to-spend-every-minute-with-you love? You have a couple months of where you are fascinated by this person and would do anything for them... then it gets a bit... boring? I'm 21 and I'm currently bored.

I'm actually beginning to think that it's just me, that I'm some cyborg who is horrendous at feelings and relationships. But am I crazy to be bored of my relationship, with no real reason? I guess you could say my relationship started off extremely chick-flick-esque. I worked at the Student Union bar, they worked in the Kitchen, we passed each other but never spoke, until one night out, our paths crossed. After a few weeks of hot dog leg and posing snap chats, we became official around Christmas and at first, I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world. You see previously I was known for breaking hearts and stamping on feelings, I managed to turn 3 boys' lives into turmoil from September to December. When I think about it, they didn't actually do anything wrong, I loved to be an idiot and cause problems. I also had a bit of a problem with wanting people to 'want' me, I probably still do have a bit of that mentality, but I was worse then. I would jump from boy to boy and dump the last as quick as I was with the next, I had a power of being able to wrap anyone around my finger and abuse the hell out of it. In fact, one boy took me on the best (and only) date I've ever been on and that still wasn't enough for me. I met the next one and I promised myself I would try.

The first few months I was obsessed with this boy. He was brilliant in my eyes, funny, good looking and he was set to get a first in his degree. He was a complete change of view for me, I was used to choosing boys that I could 'fix', I notoriously picked boys with faults that I could work on, boys who were lazy and I could force to do uni work, or boys that I could have a go at for not having a job. But this one was different. I even let him meet my grandparents, which I have never done with any boyfriend. Things were perfect actually, or so I thought until I got my job placement in May. I love my job, its the best thing I've ever done and despite it not being permanent I do absolutely love it, I put my heart and soul into my job. Over the summer, my boyfriend wasn't working or studying, so I was mostly paying for everything, I spent the £2000 my grandad had given me for my 21st birthday on food, rent and bits and bobs to make the student house we had decided to live in a bit nicer. I didn't exactly mind at the time, but it did start to get draining.

Now it's October and I couldn't even give you an exact reason for feeling like I have 'fallen out' of love. Maybe things just change, maybe I'm too focused on my job, maybe its me and I'm just not made for relationships, but how do I break another boy's heart for not really doing anything wrong? How do I convince myself to fall in love again? Or was I never in love?

K x