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Was It Me

The Boyfriend I Can Laugh About Now

By Kay MellingerPublished 5 years ago 7 min read
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So there was this guy I had dated on and off for quite a few years. From the very beginning of our relationship, I knew something was wrong. I of course, gave it a go and decided I was just paranoid. Within just a few short months of us dating, I had realized I was being cheated on. I confronted him, forgave him like an idiot, and tried to move on from it.

It never stopped, but only got worse. I was finding pictures of other females in his phone, pictures of himself that he was sending out, dating sites galore, texts and phone calls from random people. It was a never ending cycle. Each time, I would forgive and try to move past it all, only to lose more and more trust, self respect, and self-esteem after each time.

Everyone would tell me how I deserved better, how I'm better than letting someone treat me like I meant nothing, and how I should get out before it was too late. I really wish I would've listened to everyone right away instead of wasting years of my life letting myself be treated so horribly for so long.

Over the years, I continued to find these dating sites, images, messages, and proof that I was being cheated on. He even went so far as to leave me on my birthday one year, and right before my birthday another year. It was a very unhealthy back and forth relationship, ending with me having no sense of self worth anymore. I was so depressed and lost hope in love. I felt trapped, like I wasn't good enough for anyone else. I would beg him to stop, beg for his love and attention, only to be told he would stop and that he loved me, yet nothing changed.

Anytime we would break up, he would find a way to get back into my life, find me weakness, and come back claiming he had changed and wanted to make it work. I was weak, I wanted to believe he had truly changed. I wanted to be with him, just because for some sick reason I felt like he was the only one who would want me. It was like he knew when I was finally healing and getting over him, and would just outta the blue tell me everything I wanted to hear, knowing how weak I was. He knew I'd take him back, and he took advantage of that.

As the years went by, the cheating and lying got worse. I was no longer only finding pictures of women. I was now finding men. I found dating sites and personal adds of him looking for a man. I questioned him, asking if there was a chance he was bisexual. I have no room to judge seeing as though I am bi myself. I just wanted to know, because I remember how hard it was for me to be open at first about it, so I figured maybe I could be of some help. Help him with finding himself. He of course denied it, and claimed he had no idea how those pictures got saved to his phone.

One night, his mother came home from the bar, saying we needed to talk. I of course was confused, but stepped out to chat with her. She asked me if I knew this guy she threw darts with. I of course had never heard of the guy, so I explained that I did not. She then went on to explain how this guy was so excited because he had started talking to a woman online and how she had sent him pictures. He goes on to show her these pictures. They were pictures of me. Private pictures I had sent my boyfriend. Pictures I had trusted him to keep to himself. Pictures I had sent to him, trying to keep him from exchanging pictures with other females. Needless to say, I was so embarrassed, that the next chance I got, I took his phone and deleted every single picture of myself out of it, dirty or not.

A few weeks later, I had opened a message on his phone for him, and here I was staring at a penis. I didn't say anything, told him it was nothing, and proceeded to scroll through the conversation. I came across some of my selfies from facebook that he must've saved. He was again pretending to be me. Claiming I was looking for someone to come have a threesome with us. Making me seem like this horrible slut. I was in shock, yet again.

How could I have been so foolish to continue to trust someone who was doing these things? How the hell could I have been so foolish to continue to love him like I did? Of course, I didn't learn my lesson still. I still stayed, and still tried so hard to forgive him.

I have heard from several of his so called friends, that they're uncomfortable with being around him alone due to him hinting at different things. A few of these friends have been approached by him about having a threesome with him and I. All have turned it down, making the comment of "we'd do her, but not with you." He then would ask them if he could at least watch. All of this was going on without my knowledge....I was so embarrassed to find it out. He would tell them I wanted to do it and that I wanted him to ask them for me. All which was never the case.

I've sat and wondered for years if this happened because of something I did or didn't do? Was I at fault for his behavior? I know now that I wasn't, but at the time, I truly believed that I was. I was torn down to believe that he cheated on me all the time because I wasn't good enough, when in reality, I was too good for him.

I came home from work one day and noticed things were out of order in our room. I thought he was just looking for something that got misplaced. I was so far from wrong. Later that evening, his phone went off while he was outside, so I opened the message. I, yet again, was astonished as to what I found. He was having very explicit conversations with another guy. I of course assumed he was pretending to me again, so I scrolled up to see what photos of me he had used this time. Only I didn't find photos of myself this time. They were all of himself. He had gone and taken pictures of himself in my thongs! I couldn't believe my eyes. As the rest of the night went on, I pretended I had no clue. The next day when he left for work, I threw every single thong I owned into the trash and took the bag right to the dumpster.

He went so far as to approach a coworker, a guy he had only known a short time, asking him to come over and have a threesome or just have sex with me while he watched. Thankfully, the guy was a little disturbed and said no. He is now one of my great friends who has actually helped me discover the truth about that situation. He had even tried asking my son's father if he would come and do these things. My son's father had tried to warn me, but I didn't believe him.

I can honestly say that with as disturbing as this has all been, I now can sit back and truly laugh. I mean, yes, I know what he's done to me has affected my life and reputation, but I just let those who ask know that they have no idea the half of what I was put through. Depending on who the person is, I've taken the time to explain it to them so they can better understand why I have no trust or faith in relationships.

I've learned to believe none of this was my fault, and it honestly could've happened to anyone. I do however feel as if a chunk of my life had been so violated in a way I can't ever forgive or get back, but I'm just glad I realized I can heal and move on. It's been taking some time, that is a sure fact, but I'm beginning to love myself again, without questioning if I'm good enough, without wondering who I'm getting cheated on with this time, without worrying what I may find in someone's phone. I'm becoming content in this healing process. One day at a time.

breakups
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About the Creator

Kay Mellinger

I'm no pro, but writing is my passion! I hope you all enjoy the stories! Come ride the rollercoaster and join my journey!

https://www.facebook.com/kay.mellinger.75/

[email protected]

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