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We Broke Up...

Dealing with the Aftermath of a Relationship

By Megan CrawfordPublished 5 years ago 6 min read
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Letting Go of the Memories 

It's over. How do you even begin to wrap your head around that? Regardless of the length of a relationship, having it end is so raw and sad and relieving and terrifying all at once. You always see in the movies break ups being depicted in a certain way; the dumped is always sad and eating ice cream out of a tub whereas the dumper is usually unfazed by the new development in their life and seemingly continues on with their days without any care. But that is not true. Break ups do not always have a clear, black and white victim and villain.

My ex and I were together for three years. He was my first ever boyfriend and we met in my first year of University. We had a very strong relationship; it was intense and full of so much love. He will always have a place in my heart as the first one to ever really take a piece of it. But in the end, the relationship wasn't right. No relationship is perfect but there were too many gaps in ours to ignore. We would fight all the time towards the end, most fights were usually caused by me getting annoyed over some minuscule detail that really didn't actually matter. He got too comfortable, too complacent, and I simply just got bored. Bored of waiting for the romance to come back, for the spark that we all get hooked on in the beginning. But it didn't come back, and it wasn't going to. Neither of us were willing to work for it anymore. So, after a long summer of not even visiting each other despite only being three hours apart, I ended things. I wasn't happy anymore and I could see my life laid out for me—graduate, move in together, get jobs, have kids, settle down. My worst nightmare. You see, my ex and I were completely different in too many ways. I am very adventurous, I love to travel and be creative, I can be very impulsive and am hopelessly romantic. I want my life and my love to be epic. My ex is a lot more realistic than I am. He wants to settle down, get a good job, one day start a family, and go on holidays each year to fulfill that adventurous streak. He was never keen on the idea of moving abroad and he was not much of a romantic in our relationship. He has his feet planted firmly on the ground, whereas I don't. We are polar opposites.

The Initial Aftermath

Although I ended things, my ex agreed that we had not been ourselves for a long time. It was sad and we both cried, but we knew that it was the right thing to do for now. What I was not prepared for was how mixed up I would begin to feel. I felt guilty for being so heartbroken—after all, I wanted it to be over. So I would tell myself I was ok and bury the feelings. I think at the beginning a part of my subconscious was protecting me by not allowing me to cry or think about it. I took all of his pictures down, changed my Facebook relationship status, and started partying more with my friends. I kissed guys in clubs, got the rebounding out of my system, and joined the Drama society. I dyed my hair blonde and booked my next tattoo. I joined a gym. I immersed myself back into single life as if it was nothing, like the dumper in all of the movies. On the outside, I was having the time of my life. On the inside, it was a different story. One day I would wake up and not even give it a second thought. The next, it felt like a dagger to my gut. My emotions were all over the place, and still are to this day. No matter what I did, I couldn't stop the mourning from coming creeping back in. My friends were all absolute angels. They were there for me through it all, and they were there for the things that my parents couldn't be there for. But nothing can fill the void of the empty space left by the absence of someone who became such a large part of your life over so long. Nothing except time and patience.

Regrets

The next part, once you have accepted this new, morphed version of yourself, is regrets. Regrets for possibly making the wrong choice, regret for everything you did wrong while in the relationship. I look back and feel so guilty for so many things, such as all the petty arguments that I caused. If I could go back and change anything, that would be the only thing. When you break up, as time goes on you begin to forget all of the things that made you unhappy and only focus on the positives. This makes the worry creep in that maybe you should have stayed. Was it really so bad? I could have put up with the little things that bugged me to keep the good things. But the little things become the big things, and no matter how hard you try at a relationship, some things just never change. I have to keep reminding myself of all the times I asked for things to be different, for a bit more effort on his part, that never happened. And it never would. I needed to accept that no matter how much I love and care for this person, as partners we don't work and we are better off apart than together.

Acceptance

My ex is not a bad person. He is actually a very lovely, kind, and accepting human being. He always accepted and loved me for who I am and it's going to be difficult to find someone else like that. The biggest problem between us was that we wanted different things. In every aspect of our lives we want to take different paths—different careers, different experiences, different paces. That is what ended the relationship. We had different expectations of it. The love faded because we couldn't uphold each other's relationship expectations because we were a) too stubborn to change and b) too young for this level of commitment. The immaturity of the situation held us back. I am finally at a stage where I am able to accept that it was nobody's fault that this relationship ended. We were maybe both just not ready for it, and that is ok.

So, what have I learned from this? I have learned that the picture perfect view of true love fed to me by movies is not attainable without hard work. I have learned that love really is not enough sometimes when two people, sadly, just do not work together. I have learned to not blame myself or to apologise for what I am feeling. I pass this on to anyone reading this. Regardless of who dumped who and for what reasons, whatever emotions you feel during a breakup and in the months following—they are valid. Your feelings are valid and are nothing to feel guilty for or ashamed about. The most important thing you can do now is move forward, cherish the good memories, and let go of the bad. Learn from the experience, so you can love the next person deeper and greater.

breakups
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About the Creator

Megan Crawford

22 year old Psychology Student from Scotland. I love travelling and adventuring as often as possible. In my free time I like to write, practice my photography and go on many, many pub crawls with my friends while my liver can still take it.

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