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We Three: My Past, My Shadow, & Me

Moving On

By something wildePublished 6 years ago 4 min read
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Where I grew up, your past follows you everywhere. Good, bad, and ugly, it’ll always be there. Either tearing you down or making you stronger. My past involves a lot of misconceptions, which turned into plenty of misunderstandings, and resulted in a plethora of embarrassing moments for me.

My four years in high school granted me with the time I needed to find my talents, the strength I craved to conquer fear, and the love I cherished to share with other people. It was a hell of a time, and I became attached to every minute of it.

But, my four years in high school were also spent falling in and out of fake friendships and awkward moments with a sea of people, each one more confused and insecure than the next. “Committed” relationships ended in an instant, “besties” turned on one another when the other wasn’t looking. It was a storm of chaos covered in money and secrets.

But luckily, the majority of us screwed our heads on straight and walked out of those four years alive, healthy, and educated. We found our niche in a society that needed us, and we thrived. We’re still thriving, and we will continue to until the end of our time.

Niya in high school wasn’t even named Niya, she was Jania, or Nia, or Jan, or anything else people could come up with. She was loud, shameless, opinionated, loud, annoying, fun-loving, protective, passive aggressive, and loud. She changed her mind more times than the sun left the sky.

I remember my main goal throughout the first few years, was to be loved. That was all I wanted. So I did some pretty wild things. Whenever people needed me, I was there. Whatever they needed from me, I gave. And these weren’t simple things, like a pencil or a compliment. These were things that could’ve ended very badly for me. Like taking tests for them, staying up until 2 AM writing their five-page papers, giving them large amounts of money, lying for them, catering to them, letting them say the worst things behind my back, and the sweetest things to my face. And all they ever had to give me in return was a smile in the hallway or a hug between classes. In my head, I was jumping up and down screaming, “They like me! They like me!” But in reality, they didn’t.

I didn’t realize how stupid it all was until I graduated, and they ghosted. All of a sudden, I was something that was okay to throw away. I ran after those friendships for a whole year after that. I begged and pleaded. I watched, wished, and waited for those old connections to come back to me, to say they missed me, they needed me, they valued me, they cared for me, they loved me, and they never, ever did.

That hurt, so bad that it actually scarred me. And up until my fingers hit this keyboard, I was embarrassed to say it. Because in my head, admitting things that hurt you, means giving the world your weakness, and letting them see that you’re not as untouchable as you may seem.

Truthfully, I hate talking about it, makes me cringe. But I know that having the timeline of it all out in the open helps me move on, and hopefully my story will help you do the same.

I’m still climbing up of what seems like an endless ladder. But I thought I’d share some of the rungs I’ve latched onto in order to move on from the one thing that truly hurt me the most.

1. Communication

Unless it’s imperative or absolutely necessary, don’t talk to them. You need to learn what it means to live a life without seeing, hearing, or talking to toxic people.

2. Social Media

Unfollow them. People classify this as petty or immature, but actually, it’s a power move. You’re choosing to distance yourself from every aspect of someone's life for the mental safety and stability of yourself. It’s a strong choice, don’t let anyone tell you any different.

3. Keep moving forward.

You have to envision a future that doesn’t involve them. Think about how insignificant the separation will be a year ahead. Focus on reaching that year, and you’ll be happy to look back and see how much you’ve grown.

4. Create new friendships.

My closest friends now were just acquaintances in high school, but over time they became the people I can’t live without. Try to connect with people who have a genuine interest in you, not for what you can offer them.

The three I used to be, my past, my shadow, and me, gave it all and gained nothing. But I’m lucky enough to say I learned it young, I caught on quick, and I recovered (still recovering) quite well. It’s not easy, but at least it’s not forever.

Until Next Time

xo

friendship
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About the Creator

something wilde

wilde is the child ♡

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