We Won't

Don't go to war for me

I'm not the one that you want me to be

Don't call me up at 2 A.M. tonight

It feels so damn good and I wish you would

You sit on your bed with your phone at your side, music softly playing in the background, always waiting, always wishing, always… hoping. You knew you would never be good enough for her. Even if you wanted to, even if you forced yourself to be someone you weren’t. You wish she would call, you wish you could call. But you will never be what she needs, what she wants.

And yet, you find yourself fighting for something so pointless. You fight for a girl that stopped loving you a long time ago, your mind, your heart, they cannot forget. You are now, the person she toys with when her newfound boyfriend doesn’t give her attention, you are the person she wants only for fun, you are the person she calls for convenience.

Are we just gonna stay like this forever, floating?

I'm serious, my heart is furious

Cause I'm so confused when we're together

Feels like I'm choking, these emotions

I know I'm gonna let you down

So don't hold your breath now

And you know that. You’ve known that from the start, and yet, you sink yourself to her level, a place so low that you can’t even find yourself.

She calls you. You stare at your phone for a few moments before picking it up, unable to resist her call, her voice, her body. And you beat yourself up for it, you hate it, you hate the idea of being unable to resist a girl that doesn’t even love you.

“Hey, can I come over tonight?” she asks, her voice sweet like honey, such an innocent question that carries so much weight.

“Y-yeah, that’s fine,” you respond, you mentally kick yourself for fumbling on your words, but to your surprise, a seductive giggle makes it way through your ears.

“See you in a bit,” she says slowly, lustfully.

Of course, you said yes, a shameful, unforgivable yes that you know, you will regret in the morning but despite all your regret and hatred, you agree. You will always agree.

She enters your home with the spare key behind the pot outside, she’s invaded too many times. Her heels click on the tile floors as she enters, you hear her take off her shoes, then, the stairs creaking, she’s getting closer. She enters your room next, coming closer and closer until her lips are against yours until your clothes are scattered until she’s asleep next to you with her bare back facing you.

Bittersweet in your mouth

Can you stomach the doubt?

I wish I could say what I'm feeling

I'm scared to let these words out

You wake up the next morning, the shower running and she’s gone from your bed. You wish you could wake up to her every day but you know, that is more of a dream than a distant memory. She enters back into your room with nothing more than a towel on, her skin smells sweet with soap, her hair tied up in a damp mess. You fight off tears of jealousy of her boyfriend, you fight tears of hatred for yourself. She gets dressed, swiftly, urgently.

“Do you want breakfast?” you ask as you get up from your bed, the cold morning air hitting your chest.

“No. I think this is the last time,” she says with wavering finality. It’s not the first time she says this and you know it’s not the last.

“I miss you,” you say gently to her, reaching for her hand.

Her actions mock you as she rolls her eyes, “You know that there’s nothing more between us than this, so please, don’t push it.”

You nod quietly, she leaves although she doesn’t. The lingering smell of her perfume, the soap, her body still sits in your chest with the weight of your torment. You ask yourself what is the point of it all if she feels nothing? You question if you’re really that easy. And maybe you are, but only for her.

For the remainder of the day, your mind is fixated on her. You stare at your phone wishing she would call, wishing her smile was towards you. But you know it never will be, it will always belong to someone else. You can’t help but think and think and wait for her call, meanwhile, your hatred for yourself grows and you’ve become disgusted at the person you’ve become even though, you cannot leave her. You cannot say no, you are stuck in this cycle of ripping your own heart in two. Your thoughts get worse as time passes, convinced she will not call. And maybe, it is the last time. But will you wait your whole life for a call that will never come? Will you be stuck waiting for a girl who never gave a damn, to begin with? Will you hate yourself for nothing?

You’re reminded of when you two were together, and when it all fell apart. You were busy with your new job, you would leave early and come home late, only seeing her when she’s fast asleep in your bed. And the times you did see each other, you were fighting, she complained about your job, she became distant and untouchable. The only time there was any physical contact is when she was in the mood for sex, and a couple weeks after you two finally broke it off, she offered herself to you, justifying the actions because you missed each other, and you could still see each other without being in a committed relationship.

I can't trust you

Baby, cause I don't want to

This isn't fun anymore, never hurt like this before

Broken dishes on the floor

Hearts exploding

Tell me why I'm still holding

Onto the love that we've been breaking

Damn, I thought we'd make it

No other way to say it, don't, don't, don't

And when your thoughts begin to tear at you, she finally calls. And this time, you immediately answer, urgently, desperately. She asks you if she can come over again, you say yes easily. And she does. Another night of carnage, another night of having her to yourself for a brief moment. But instead of falling asleep with her back towards, she looks at you with determination.

“Why do you continue to do this? she asks suddenly, surprisingly.

“I still love you,” you answer honestly, a blush rising to your cheeks.

She pauses but then she laughs. It wasn’t a laugh that makes you smile, it mocks you. She laughs at you. And you hate yourself even more.

“Get out,” you growl at her, your anger rising, your hatred bubbling over.

She fights back a smile, “Well, you’ve finally learned to say no.” Her tone mocks you, even more, she gets up from your bed and begins getting dressed, “It’s been three years since we became lovers and you finally say no. You should have said no before you slept with me.”

“You made me this way! You’re the one who gave up on our relationship, I have never, not once stopped loving you!” You yell at her, you’re overflowing with anger, you feel everything all at once, your anger, you’re hatred, your self-loathing.

She goes silent then smiles, “I am the happiest with you.”

“Sorry,” you say, running a hand through your hair in frustration.

“I’ll call you,” she says softly, before kissing your cheek. And like almost every night for the past three years, she leaves.

We burn faster than a cigarette in my mouth

(I know it hurts, but baby, we can't stop now)

(Baby, we can't stop now)

The silence of your home engulfs you, unable to get rid of your loneliness, your hatred, your anger, yourself. Your home has always been tainted by her presence, she will always linger, always keep you bound to her. You are unable to stop her, and frankly, you don’t want to. A part of you will always belong to her.

Don't go to war for me

I'm not the one that you want me to be

Don't call me up at 2 a.m. tonight

It feels so damn good and I wish you would

And don't cry no more for me

Don't waste your time convincing me

That maybe someday we'll get it right

Cause we never could, I wish that we would

She comes over again, without warning this time. She immediately takes off your clothes, you’re afraid. Tears hit your cheek, you stop her. She looks at you, hurt, regret, pain.

“He broke up with me, because of you,” she reveals her tears falling at a swift pace. “I want to make it work this time,” she pleads, her hands gripping you tightly.

With tears of your own, you push her away. Her innocent eyes wide with surprise, with rejection.

“Why?”

Why indeed. You know that she was right all along, you are not meant for her, you are stuck in the past. You, despite having what you’ve always wished for right in front of you, know that you cannot. And you will not. You won’t. She won’t. We won’t.

But we won't, so just don't

We won't, so just don't

But we won't, so just don't

(We won't so just don't)

Don't

Don't

Don't

She touches your cheek, fingers soft, delicate, lovely. You take her hand, and kiss it goodbye.

“Please leave, I can’t do this,” you plead with her to leave for the last and final time.

She finally leaves, more pain, more regret. But you have done the right thing for the first time in three years.

She will never call again, and you… won’t.