What About the Truth?

The lies people tell are fascinating. From the smallest thing to the biggest. One day, you lie so much it turns into truth. I’m not sure what’s a lie and what’s true anymore. People lie daily, but sometimes I want to hear the lies because I can’t take the truth. I lie to myself constantly because I am afraid. I am afraid that if the truth comes out, I will crumble like a cookie. The truth can be terrifying to the point that it breaks people down from everything that they are built on. Lies can help sometimes. But other times they only hurt. I never know how to trust somebody fully or how to be truthful because I fear how they’ll react. Trust is a sacred thing. It takes time to gain, but can be lost quickly. I write, not to tell a story, but to express how I feel. It's rather comforting. But I am so scared of the truth that I can’t face facts about how fake I am. How I act before others isn’t who I am. I act like this girl who is proper, funny, silly, serious, and happy. But, conclusively, I am a lost, scared girl who isn’t happy, who wants to feel and be loved, who wants to fit in and not be this fake person, who wants to be happy and feel wonderful, and who wants this non-perfect guy, but that is perfect in my world: To be who I want to be and not who others want me to be. And someday I will get there, but right now I am here. So, I'm affirmative I have dreams that I will accomplish. This day, and I don't try, I do. I do my best to get where I need to be.

False Hope

Life isn’t going to change. We all tell ourselves that things will get better, but they don't. I assume we say that for self-reassurance. Maybe we give ourselves false hope, so we have something to look forward to. I want to get better, but there's something telling me that it's not. I pray and rely on God, but I’m scared that it's not going to change anything. I am scared. There's an easy way to say it. I’m scared that if I ever marry, it won't work out. I’m scared that if I start a family, it shall end after. I’m scared that if I make one mistake, everything will end. Nothing will be the same and I will be alone. It’s similar to the movie The Mask with Jim Carrey. Without the mask, he was this nice quiet person who didn't have the confidence to speak his mind. But when he put that mask on, he became this guy that didn't give a crap and did everything without fearing the consequences. The mask that he had brought out this bold person who didn't give a crap. Well, instead of that mask, I have the opposite: A mask where I act like this girl who people can like. But without the mask on, I am this sad, lonely girl, afraid of the world. I want to be Jim Carrey in the sense that I can be the happy one who doesn't give a crap about what anyone says. I want to be the mask, but not need the mask. But I don't know how to get there. So, I give myself false hope, saying that I will get there one day. I keep leading myself on into this false reality.

Change

Change. That one word can turn your world around. But everything changes in life. The sky, temperature, age, and dates surrounding us. So, what’s not to like about it? Well, nothing and everything at the same time. It is a force that cannot be reckoned with. With or without you, nothing will stay the same. The worst change is time. It goes so fast that you forget what day it is. Time is something constantly changing, and it is something you can never replace. When I consider the time, I consider the movie with Justin Timberlake when the time is life. I think that if we treated time as life, which it is, then we could do something or aspire to be something. We could push ourselves knowing that we don't have time on our side. But it's the fun part, pushing yourself. It's like a lot of people fear to push themselves too hard because then the word change appears again. Then, we know that it won't ever be the same. But sometimes, it's exactly what we are looking for in life. Change. It reminds me of The Carrie Diaries, the prequel to Sex and the City. Carrie knows that in her heart she doesn't want to be that same boring person anymore. She basically says why not change, why not go into the city and experience life for what it is? Change isn’t something we should fear; it is something that we need to embrace. Change is something that I want. Most of my hopes and dreams go into a change in environment and self-change. I know the person I want to be, and I know where I want to be.