What Are We?

I always wonder what goes on in your head. Sometimes I even think, Why are you so confusing?! This thing we have going on... I don't know how much more I can take, because every time I look into your eyes I see the boy I fell in love with three years ago. But every time you speak words I see the type of monster you never wanted to become. Maybe it's my fault you became that way. I don't know. But, one thing I do know is that it wasn't my fault things ended the way they did. That was on you. You were toxic, and after enduring such toxicity for over a year and a half I had had enough and called it quits. But, things are different now, and we've both grown.

Seeing you again three years later and finally being able to look at you without all the hatred I had for you, it was nice. Being able to talk to you and be around you so much, now that made me nervous. Not because you were my ex, but because I remembered what it was like the first time we met. How I had butterflies in my stomach, sweaty palms, and not to mention the stump in my throat preventing me from talking. I was a fool to even think about such a memory.

As time went by and the more time we spent together, I couldn't tell whether it was just the person you became, or because I was there. You would always talk about girls and how you were going to smash, because you had plans to do so. I never understood why you told me such things. I could honestly say it hurt, but I had to keep up the mask I had on, and make it seem like it didn't affect me.

Then one day something changed. Our "friendship" turned into a friends with benefits thing. It's crazy to think about it now. Sometimes I still can't believe it. It started off casual with no feelings attached whatsoever. And then you started the cuddling and playing with my hair. I knew I should have stopped it at that point, but a part of me yearned for your touch. I thought it would end there, but boy was I wrong. You then started smelling my hair just like you would back then. You would hug me from behind, or just simply get so close to my body that I felt your warmth surround me like a cover. I think that's when I started to crack.

Just recently you've been getting so close to my face, looking into my eyes almost as if you're searching for your own answer. You even want to go out to places other than your bedroom. When we go it makes me question so many things. You even put your hand on my leg, and let me rest my head on your shoulder. You stopped talking about the other girl, but you still see her apparently. That leaves me more confused and agitated. And shame on her for cheating on her boyfriend with you. But that's not my business so whatever.

I just don't understand you. I don't understand us. But what I do understand is that I won't be able to take this for much longer, because I will cut ties again for the sake of my sanity. So please wake up and realize before it's too late.