What I Have Learned from Being Alone

As a middle and high schooler, I constantly compared myself to other girls and how they had boyfriends. I usually would feel insecure about it, because well, I never had one. I would wonder, "Why doesn't anyone ask me out? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not skinny enough? Do boys not think I am cool enough, or nice enough, or smart enough?" It was always a back and forth thing that ultimately led to me hating myself... these questions always targeted my biggest insecurities and held me back even more.

I have been out of high school for nearly a year now. I wouldn't say I have grown up, because that would just be a lie. The only living-on-my-own I do is sleeping a few nights in a dirty dorm room. I wouldn't say my entire outlook on life and view of myself has changed, but my mindset when it comes to intimate relationships most definitely has. If you are reading this, you might be thinking that I know nothing about love, that I know nothing about what it takes to keep a relationship going and building a life dependent on another person. That is where I will have to say you are wrong. I do know about love and I know about heartbreak, and I know that is why I have tried to avoid it the entirety of my young aged years.

I have never been in a relationship, I haven't experienced the things most girls my age have experienced. I have never been kissed by a boy, or held in a romantic way, and no, I have not ever had sex. That doesn't mean I don't know about these things. I have always been scared to trust other people mainly because of my insecurities. I knew if I gave in and had enough confidence to put myself out there, it would fall back in my face. Frankly, there hasn't been anyone that I wanted to put myself out there for, so here I am: writing a story about my loneliness and how I am okay with it.

I didn't tell people this, but for the longest time, I believed I was either gay or asexual. I didn't have the desire to be with men (or boys at the time), and I thought there was something wrong with me. Did I want to be with a girl? I didn't think so, but I also knew I didn't like the boys at school. There is nothing wrong with being gay or asexual, but when I was younger all of my friends were in the middle school relationships, where they held hands and snuck kisses under the stairs, and I never had the desire to be with anyone. That is, until I started to think that it was wrong for me to not want that. That was when the constant, "Why am I not good enough?" thoughts started.

To say it was hard is an understatement. As high school came around and more of the relationships I had witnessed became more serious, I began to wonder when it would happen for me. I am known to be dramatic, so I thought it was something I had to do to prove myself, but if my time away from the public education system has told me anything, it was most definitely that I did not have anything to prove. My best friends were falling in love, and while I was happy for them, I couldn't help but feel like they were being ripped away from me, leaving me with no one but myself.

It is now present day, I am about to finish up my first year of college, and I must say this time away from home and what had been my life for 18 years has helped me see that what I was feeling for those years wasn't the need for love from other people, but it was the need for love from ME! So that is what I have been working on for the past year... soul searching, you could say. One of the most important things I have learned is that in order for other people to love you, you have to love yourself unconditionally. Rather than focusing on how I can get into a relationship, I want to be able to say, "Hey, I can take care of myself and it will be enough." So far, I am content with my decisions, I haven't gotten to talk to my old friends as much which is sad, but I know that there is a life out for me just waiting to be lived.

Whether or not you take anything away from this somewhat sappy post, it is important for you to know something about me. I am not a sad person, I am not mope-y about "being alone." If being alone means having enough respect for yourself to know what you are worth and what you deserve, then I will proudly scream to the world, "I am ALONE!" Young girls should be told to fall in love with themselves more, not to fall in love with the poster boy they try to look perfect for. There is plenty of time in life for romance, enjoy your time to yourself before rushing into something with another person!