What I See

Explaining Myself

Hi, I’m Niki. This is a story in my point of view about someone I care about. I’m not going to say his name but I will try explaining what I saw. I want to explain what I saw in him that people couldn’t. I want to explain in words people will understand. Some people are damaged and some people are going along with it. People have their own demons and the first thing people do is judge them. In certain situations, you just can’t assume what is going on with that person. We don’t think about if they have been hurt. We don’t think that maybe they feel as if they are alone. People want to assume the worst and never actually know what is wrong. We don’t ask simple things that could change someone’s mood. Everyone wanted to take the situation as if he’s a bad kid. Well, here is what I think about him.

What I “See”

His dirty blonde hair flowed with curls. He was quite slim. His eyelashes were so long they could catch anything in them. He was about 6 feet tall. He wore a tie dye shirt this one day. He had beautiful eyes. This one certain day, I can remember everything that happened. I remember it as if it was yesterday when it has been months. This one day, I came back to my friend's bus stop because she lived right beside him. As the bus pulled up, he was standing there.

I saw him and all I could feel was happiness. I got off the bus and he gives me this look, a look I can easily remember. He smiled and I smiled back. We gave each other a hug and for some reason we liked to talk a lot while walking back to his house and by the time we get there it felt like we’ve been talking for forever. We go inside and I wanted to go back out because it was raining and I love how the rain is and how calming it is outside. So we go outside and we just look at each other. I look at him and I feel like I’ve just opened him like my favorite book, watching the rain fall on his skin slowly like butter falling off a pancake. He looked so good in my eyes.

I loved him. I knew I loved him. I remember all the memories we had as if it was a movie. It goes off in my head like a slide show. One by one they go by. The rain made the setting so perfect and calming. I didn’t even hear the rain. All I could hear was his breathing. I looked at him like I was looking at the most beautiful diamond — that diamond went through a lot. I pushed him away. But I saw what people couldn’t.

The potential he had — he had a future. He was 16 at the time and he did do some stupid shit. But what teenager doesn’t? He was smart, sweet, and beautiful. And everyone wanted to put him down — wanted to call him out for his past, wanted to say he was stupid, wanted to make lies about him. It hurts because I know that he was special and other people couldn’t see that.

It wasn’t fair that people who didn’t know anything about him wanted to act like they were close when everything came crashing down. The day I found out he died — it made everything crash, a few days before.

We were talking about hanging out and getting back together, because we did have our problems like every relationship. And when I got the call, all I could think was that it was a lie. The day of the wake, I wore a black dress I bought from Charlotte Ruse and some black flats. I went with my other three friends who knew him. When we went in, I saw people he didn’t like and people who didn’t like him. It made me mad because it was disrespectful in my eyes. I had teachers coming up to me feeling sorry for me. I went to walk up to him. What I see was the guy I just spent every day with. I told him things I didn’t tell anyone else. I loved him. He looked asleep and I just wanted him to wake up. I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. What I see is darkness. I see sadness. I was devastated. What I see was my happiness, in a coffin.

To be continued..