What Is Abuse?

My name is Wesson Tisdale, and I'm here to tell you the story of how I died. I don't mean that literally because if I did, you wouldn't be reading this. I just turned 18 years old about three months ago. I haven't lived with my parents since I was 17 and a half. Our family went through some tough shit and my strict parents became not-so-strict parents.

My mom left my dad and I took my mother's side. I moved in with my boyfriend. His parents were very welcoming and it made me feel like people actually cared about me in a way. I became so attached to him and his family. I felt like I could finally be happy.

I'm a crybaby. I will cry if someone so much as raises their voice to me. I made it to a point in my life I thought I would never reach; I was happy. I didn't cry like I used to. Everything was perfect... for at least a little while.

I wanted to cut my hair. I wanted it to be boy short. I never did anything without asking for my boyfriend's opinion, so I asked him what he would think. He didn't like the idea of me cutting my hair at all. We fought about it and I cried like the biggest baby of them all. In this whole mess of mine, I decided I was cutting it. I put my hair in pigtails and grabbed the sharpest knife I could find. We didn't have any scissors lying around, so it was my next option. I sliced both of them off with a dull blade and watched the strands of hair fall through teary eyes.

My boyfriend started blaming me for a lot of stuff. I didn't even know what I did wrong. Everything was falling apart.

I went to get my hair done professionally. I had it re-dyed and cut even shorter than I had done myself. My boyfriend gave me all kinds of shit for it. Constant mean jokes were made, and he wouldn't even hold my hand or kiss me in public. I felt like I had made the worst mistake of my life. My entire world was crashing down. I don't think I've ever been so depressed in my life.

It eventually eased up and we were semi-okay. I didn't smile much anymore though. I felt completely grey. If we had any conversations, they turned into arguments really quick, which resulted in more tears from me.

Looking back at when we first got together, if he saw me cry he would hold me because he knew I craved physical touch to calm me. I'm a physical person when I'm sad. Hugs make me feel so much better. They can cause me to stop crying within seconds depending on the severity of the situation. Now if I cry, he ignores it. He acts like he doesn't see it.

He makes me my happiest, but he also brings me the worst anxiety and the worst depression I've ever had. I'm so in love with him that it hurts.

Have you ever reached a point in something where you think to yourself, "Oh, well I'm used to it; I couldn't care less if it went this way or that way because either way, it'll hurt the same." Yeah, that's the point I'm at.

I keep thinking to myself, "Break up with him and be happy! Do what you want," but then I also think that I couldn't live without him. Just the thought of him with someone else, or even away from me, makes my heart sink into my stomach. He has me wrapped around his finger.

Yet again, things began looking up. We spent a little time apart and he genuinely missed me. He brought me food, he was the same as when we first got together; but his mood instantly dropped when something was said that had resulted in an argument before.

I tried everything I could to make things better. I even asked him what I needed to do and he wouldn't tell me. Eventually, he told me the truth. He wanted me to stay at home for as long as he did. He said I made him stay at home for eight whole months. I told him I wasn't his mom and I can't make him do anything. I told him I never told him he had to stay at home and he shot back with, "You got upset if I did this or that!"

He's stubborn. He's so stinkin' stubborn. We argued forever over the controlling thing. He won't let up. He won't let us start over. He won't believe me when I say I won't get upset anymore or tell him what to do.

I guess I understand where he's coming from. According to him, I've done it so much that he just can't believe I'll be different this time. It hurts a lot, but it's my fault, right? I'm nothing but a piece of shit girlfriend. This is what he's conditioned me to think.

Sometimes he'll jokingly smack me across the head when I say it and sometimes he won't say or do anything when I say it. This tells me I'm right. Why does he deserve me? Why do I deserve him? It hurts so much, I just want to leave. Maybe he will find happiness, but then again I can't bring myself to do it because either way, this hurts a lot.

I think the biggest reason I stay is that I've been with him so long and I think of our happy moments together. Everybody has bad times, right?

Now, this leads me to my biggest question... is this abuse?