What Is "Aromantic?"

I’ve recently been coming to terms with the fact that I am aromantic. I have been showing signs that I am aromantic for years—my whole life in fact—but it’s only since I learnt the term that I’ve begun to apply it to myself. For so long I was scared that I was broken, but now I know that there is a whole group of people just like me.

So what does it mean to be “aromantic?” Well basically, an aromantic person is someone who does not experience romantic attraction. Aromantic people don’t feel the need to be in a romantic relationship—they often find them draining, unsatisfying, or uncomfortable. To clear up a few misconceptions—aromantics are capable of feeling love. For example, I love my mother dearly and I would die for my friends if they needed me to, but I don’t feel ROMANTIC love. We do experience love and other emotions because we aren’t robots and we are not cold or heartless people.

But this brings up another question—what exactly is romantic love? In many instances it’s hard to pin down because most people just say they “know” when they’re in love (which, side note, is not very helpful when you’re questioning whether you’re aromantic or not). The only thing I can do to define romantic attraction is to quote Wikipedia (obviously not the most reliable of sources) which says:

“it is a distinct fondness or affection toward someone that differs from what you would feel toward friends, family or people you admire. It may be characterized by a unique, almost surreal anxious-euphoria when sensing or thinking about this person and is distinguishable from hero worship. Desires such as wanting to bond or be physically close with them are extremely common when experiencing romantic attraction, but there is no desire exclusive to romantic attraction nor are desires necessarily present at all when being romantically attracted to someone.”

This is an incredibly dense definition, and one that I certainly can’t relate to, but with any luck, it may help someone reading this article work out whether they are aromantic or not.

People who are aromantic can still enjoy things such as hand holding, cuddling, and playing with each other’s hair. This is because these things are not always inherently romantic. You can hold someone’s hand completely platonically. What I’m saying is—it is more to do with the MEANING BEHIND THE ACTIVITY rather than the activity itself.

Aromantic people can still feel sexual attraction. I certainly do. I am pansexual and I am quite sexually active, but I don’t see the people I have sex with as potential romantic partners; I just like the feeling of having sex. Romantic attraction and sexual attraction are two separate things. You can be in love with someone you don’t have sex with and you can have sex with someone who you are not in love with. You can be heteroromantic and bisexual, aromantic and pansexual, biromantic and homosexual, and literally any other combination you can think of. If you’re experiencing it, there’s no reason why you can’t put a label like this on it.

Some people are on the aromantic spectrum and call themselves “grey-romantic.” This means that they do experience some romantic attraction but it is very rare. Again, not something I can relate to, but hey—you do you, and welcome to the aromantic community!

Lastly, there is one thing I want to cover which is my biggest fear and probably the biggest fear of all aromantic people. That is: The fear of ending up alone. But here’s the thing—you’re not alone. You are surrounded by friends and family who are already in romantic relationships. There is nothing stopping you from being in long-term platonic relationships. Plus, you can always look into getting involved in a “Queerplatonic” relationship (definition: a relationship that is not romantic but involves a close emotional connection (platonic) beyond what most people consider friendship).

Whether you stumbled upon this article because you were curious or because you’re trying to work out who you are I hope this has cleared up a few things for you. Aromantic people exist and we are awesome.