What Nobody Told Me About Break-Ups

You never really see it coming. One day you're sitting on your old, worn-down couch that could barely fit the two of you, with your head leaning on his shoulder; the next, you're sitting on that same couch, only everything feels different. What once felt like a couch made for an ant, now feels like a couch meant for an elephant with space you can't fill on your own. That shoulder you leaned on is absent and propping you up is that near-empty box of tissues as you're wrapped in the blanket that smells ever so slightly like him.

Break-ups are never something you can truly prepare for. There are the thoughts leading up to the end of should we still be doing this? or am I really happy? but no thoughts that were ever as real or painful as you could think they would be. The thoughts that overtake your mind after the split are ones that leave yourself feeling hopeless. No longer do you see a glass half full, but rather close to empty. No longer do you have the excitement of getting out of bed ready to take on the day. Everything you thought was permanent about yourself is fading.

A break-up is a loss. This loss isn't one that can be mended by the comfort of others or a nice tub of Ben and Jerry's ice cream; this loss is one that leaves a permanent scar. When you see break-ups in movies, you don't see them for how they actually are. You may see the girl crying in her room for hours one night, yet somehow ready to take on the world and show him what he's missing by the next morning. No one in movies told you how it would really feel. That night of laying along in your room, sobbing with what feels like a million tissues, isn't just one night. Day after day the tears continue to stream like a never-ending rainstorm that leaves you with nothing other than dehydration. That sadness and those tears slowly take over you into physical discomfort now. Food no longer seems to be your best friend, going out doesn't seem as fun as it once did. The worst physical impact has to do with sleep and no longer wanting to sleep. The thought of going to sleep means the dreams filled with him by your side, but we all know we have to wake up from those dreams. Dreams suddenly feel like that memory you wish could just have back, so why would you want to sleep knowing that he won't be there when you wake up? Days go by and you will still find yourself crying over that one song on the radio that reminds you of him, or that one time you spent hours on end just laying in bed pouring your heart out. Whatever those little experiences that you thought didn't mean much in the moment are suddenly the reason you feel yourself not being able to physically breathe. Those small memories of his laugh and the times you shared will then turn into the reason you physically feel as though you can't get out of bed in the morning. All the things you loved about him are suddenly engraved on the front of your mind like a tattoo on your forehead. The joy he brought to children and the thoughts that came with those about a future, the passion he has for interests and seeing his smile light up the room when he is able to do the things he loves. Even the hard or scary times are at the front of your mind to remind you of everything you went through leaving you with the thought of if we can make it through that, why couldn't we make it through this? Those moments you took for granted are suddenly the reason you feel like you can't go on. A break-up isn't just hard because of the loss of the love, but rather the loss of the relationship itself. Often times a break-up means losing a best friend and partner all in one, it's a two-for-one loss. You're losing your other half.

With every loss comes the never-ending remembrances. Sure you will miss the sound of his laugh, or the smile that lit up your world, but what happens at the end of the day? What are you supposed to do when you get home at the end of the day, ready to tell your partner about your day and curl up next to them in bed? What are you supposed to do when you realize you're alone in your bed with no one at the end of the day? Every morning you will wake up, ready to roll over to the sight of him sleeping so peacefully next to you. Nobody tells you how hard it is to be alone after a break-up. Nobody tells you how hard it will be to wake up in the mornings with the other half of your bed empty. During the relationship there are plenty of times where you can sit back and just wish you had the time for some peace and quiet alone, but as soon as that relationship is gone, so are all of those wishes. Being alone is hard after it ends; the time you spend alone shows you just how much time you spent with them. Maybe during the relationship you didn't fully understand how much time you spent with them, but when you're alone, it all shines through. No longer is that alone time you so desperately wanted important. Instead, those wants suddenly transform back into the mold of him and he is all you want. You will want those times you spent together back more than anything. Those nights you thought weren't enjoyable because you both were working on separate things will suddenly be the only thing you want. You now realize that you will do anything, as long as it means you can spend time together. He is everything you want.

No one tells you how hard break-ups are or the emotions that come with it. You will never really be able to express what you're feeling to others and if you do, you'll only feel like a burden. A memory will always pop back into your head leaving you with that same empty feeling. No one tells you how hard it is to be alone, consumed with all of your thoughts and emotions leading you to think of all the reasons why you were the problem. No one tells you how empty you will feel, because after all, he has your heart.

Break-ups are never and will never be easy, especially when you still love them whole-heartedly. But it's okay to not be okay. It's okay to miss the way he hobbled into his clothes in the morning or the way he would mumble in his sleep. It's okay to miss the feeling of knowing you always had the person you loved there for you through no matter what. It's okay to not know how to keep going because at the end of the day, what's meant to be will be.