What Not to Ask People Who Are Polyamorous

Since coming out to my friends and family about my polyamorous relationship six months ago, everyone has accepted it but some questions have come up that people seem to think are appropriate...they aren't. Here is a guide on what not to ask the polyamorous people.

J, Me & P

Hi, I'm Ayshen and I am in a polyamorous relationship with my girlfriend and boyfriend. Honestly, we are lucky to live in a small city that is completely open to alternative relationships and accepting of all people, so coming out on social media and to friends and family wasn't too daunting.

However, there has been a load of questions which have come up since coming out that people seem to think is appropriate to ask but would never dream of asking a monogamous couple. Here is my guide on how to handle it with care when approaching the questions you will probably have. 

1. Do you ever get jealous?

OK, this question is of course going to come up. Everyone I have told has asked me about this and I happily give them the same answer. No, we don't get jealous because we love and trust each other. However, I can see why people want to know this and sometimes can't get their head around the fact that three people can be together without there being any tension. I think this is OK to ask, but not if you ask it every time the relationship is brought up. The first time we told people, it was an expected question, and we all gave honest answers, but slowly over these months it has come up quite literally every time I tell people about anything we've done together—even the most mundane things like go to a food shop together. It's become insensitive and sounds like you don't trust our relationship even if we do. I really do get that this isn't going to be easy for some people to grasp, but constantly questioning us on everything is intrusive. 

2. What are you going to do if one of you falls out majorly with the other?

Why do people need to ask this? Whenever my friends get a new partner, I don't straight up ask them "but what if you have a huge fight?" Why? Because it's just not the sort of thing you ask people. Yes, we have fought. Never as a three, but I have had arguments with both of them individually and do you know what we do to sort it out? The same as everyone else! Arguments happen, that's just a fact of life and just because there are three of us doesn't make it any less of a fact but also doesn't make it any more extreme. Like all the monogamous couples out there, we work it out and apologise. 

3. What if they run off with each other and leave you?

Honestly, I don't know the answer to this. The same way you wouldn't know the answer if I asked you what if your partner found someone else and ran off with them. Being poly means mutual love, respect, and trust. I don't worry about this because I love them both, I know they both love me, and they love each other. I know that there is a possibility it could happen the same way there is a possibility that they could find someone else and run off with them. But I also trust them both with all of my heart and know that it won't happen. To all my other polys out there, it's OK to sometimes feel insecure about things, but if you don't trust your partner(s), it won't work. Trust and communication is key to being poly. 

4. What do you do when the three of you are out in public?

The same as everyone else. Recently we all went on a date to the Sea Life center where we live. It was lovely. We all held hands as we walked (although not when on a small street as we do tend to take up a lot of room!), we hugged and kissed each other's foreheads and held each other close. We aren't ashamed of our relationship, and when you ask us stuff like that, as if when we are outside in public we shouldn't act like a "normal" relationship, it makes us think that maybe you are ashamed. 

5. And of lastly, of course, all of the questions that get asked about sex?

Where do I even begin...? I have had more questions regarding sex in these last few months than I ever have had in my life. They range from fairly tame to just intrusive and crude. I've even had people asking my family about our sex life when they've found out. This is wildly inappropriate. Some people are totally open about their sex life, and that's completely OK, but most people aren't. It may come as a surprise to you, but being polyamorous doesn't make us sexual deviants; just because we are non-monogamous isn't an excuse for you to voice all your curiosities. So my advice to you with this one is just really think before you ask. If it isn't anything you would question a monogamous couple on, then it isn't something anyone needs to be asked. We are three people in love, not some fetish.

I hope you all enjoyed my first ever blog post and I shone some light on the being polyamorous.


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