Humans is powered by Vocal.
Vocal is a platform that provides storytelling tools and engaged communities for writers, musicians, filmmakers, podcasters, and other creators to get discovered and fund their creativity.
How does Vocal work?
Creators share their stories on Vocal’s communities. In return, creators earn money when they are tipped and when their stories are read.
How do I join Vocal?
Vocal welcomes creators of all shapes and sizes. Join for free and start creating.
To learn more about Vocal, visit our resources.Show less
Friendship is a popular topic I often feature in my writing. I like to discuss how to make friends, what to do with those friends, and when to cut friends lose. Then I realized, I've never written about how to NOT make friends a.k.a things that really turn other people off. Not purposely of course, but things that you may be doing that could be preventing you from building new friendships. You may be completely clueless and have no idea why forming relationships with the women around you has been so difficult. You most likely blame those women for being stuck up a-holes but what if I told you your lack of girlfriends is all your fault? Have you been told you don't smile enough? Are you known to talk too much about yourself? Well I have narrowed it down to a few of the most common annoying traits a woman can have that will absolutely turn people away.
Here is what NOT TO DO when trying to make new friends.
Don't always look like a million bucks.
Where are you always going? I understand the whole "work thing" but aside from going to the office, why do you always look so nice? Are you a vampire? Are your children robots? Do you have a glam squad? I saw you at the gym and your hair was down and done. Then I saw you at ShopRite and you were showered, in heels, with full makeup on. Then there was the time you didn't have work and you were still at school pick up looking like you had a board meeting in 30. WTF! You are not human! Don't you ever just throw on sweats, forget the bra, and barely brush your hair? Are there not days where you don't give two shits about what you look like and who you will see? I am sorry but half of my adult mom-life (Monday-Friday) has been spent looking homeless. Still cool, but pretty much homeless. So you see, I appreciate your motivation to look great all the time but there is no way you and I could be great friends. Mainly, because I would always feel less than or make it a mission to uncover that you are in fact, a Mom-Bot.
Chill with the resting bitch face, smile.
Why you so mad bro? Who the hell is going to want to be your friend when you literally look annoyed, mad, or bored ALL. THE. TIME. I understand for some this is just how your face was made, trust me my daughter came out of the womb looking mad as hell, but she's a baby! You are an adult and can make the effort to not look like your casting spells on every person who walks past you. Go home and practice in the mirror for God's sake and if it is still too difficult, make a joke of it and let everyone know, this is your happy face.
Stop bragging, no one cares that much.
Ohhhhhh, I love these people!!! The woman who loves to tell everyone that she has the most amazing husband, smartest kid, nicest car, most rewarding job, biggest house, and luxurious vacations. Yeah.... I was joking, I actually despise these people. Listen, I am not a hater and kudos to you for the stellar life, mine's not that bad either, but when you want to make friends, try to ease the reins on the bragging. You need to know when these comments are appropriate and how much awesomeness to disclose at a time. If I am having a shit day and a potential friend strolls up and starts going on and on about her husband who loves to cook dinner and has kids who have been reading since they were two, I will most likely, OK definitely, not want to be your friend. A) because you're probably lying and B) because shut up! It's kind of rude and hella annoying, especially when you see I am having a bad day.
Stop pretending life is perfect (including on social media) because it's not!
Man, this really irks me. Maybe I should take my own advice here because I am doing A LOT of complaining in this article. Seriously though, how much do you dislike the people who post on Facebook, hashtag on IG, and tweet the most ridiculously cheery and over-exaggerated quotes about their life. The marriage ones are the best! "Love my husband so much! I'm the luckiest girl in the world"! Meanwhile, I know for a fact that last weekend that wife was stalking her husband on Instagram because he was out with his boys and never came home till the next day. Like why do it? It is for people to believe that your life is perfect? Is it to make you feel better about yourself? Whatever the reason, please for the love of God stop doing it. I am all for giving props to the man, the fam, and friends, in fact I do it every now and then too. Keyword being NOW AND THEN and only when they actually deserve it!
Try not to overshare before you know someone!
I am definitely guilty of being an over-sharer, but only if I know they can handle it. I have a talent for being able to tell who is cool within the first five minutes of talking to someone. Like legit COOL! I know, I'm blessed. Anyway that's not the point, the point is, before I start telling people I write dirty articles and smoke cigarettes when I drink, I wait until they pass the "Cool Enough To Handle Justine Test." We live in a judgmental world and women are the QUEENS of passing judgement, so wait until you know the girls you're with before oversharing. And let it be said just because I think something or someone is cool doesn't mean it is or you have to too, it just means we probably won't be best friends. I tend to think weird, obsessive compulsive, love to party people are the coolest. Ha!
Invite people over if they invite you, it's only right!
Listen, I get it, some people have cluttered homes, lots of pets, or germ phobias, but eventually, if you are a guest at your friend's house more than five times without returning the offer, then you are asking to lose some major friend points. Some people LOVE to host and I applaud them. It doesn't make them better friends but without them you would have a lot less things to do and just because you brought Munchkins doesn't make it even.
Don't be such a Debbie Downer.
I shouldn't talk because my friends and I LOVE to complain, but that's because we are best friends and if one of us is pissed off or overwhelmed, we all need to know about it so we can be pissed off together.
I'm referring to the new friends in your life who you barely know. If your first few conversations involve you listing all the shit things in your life and how much you hate everyone, then who the hell is going to want to hang out with you!? No one, that's who! "Oh, that girl must be really fun," are words no one will ever say about you. Sorry #truth.
Stop being a stick in the mud. Have some fun!
Being the poster mom for FUN, maybe too much fun but that's neither here nor there, I live to laugh, smile, and let the good times roll. If I am out with a bunch of girlfriends and there is the one woman in the corner who isn't smiling or drinking and just staring at her phone than I am pretty much never going to hang out with that chick again. Maybe at a funeral but that's about it. I am not saying you need to drink to be fun, but shit, get yourself a non-alcoholic beer or a Shirley Temple and let loose a little. Show the other people that you are not a robot or incapable of fun.
Don't be a bitch!
Plain and simple yo, don't be a bitch! We all have moods and days where talking to other human beings is close to torture, but for the other 20 days a month, try being nice. I am not saying you need to bake cookies and act like a Stepford wife, but if someone smiles at you, smile back. If you see someone standing alone in a crowd where you know people, include her! You don't have to befriend every woman you cross paths with but you can absolutely be friendly with all of them. Even if they are the bitch, kill 'em with kindness.