What to Do If He Hasn’t Replied to Your Message

I know how it goes. You don’t meet anyone you like for ages and then finally you meet a guy and feel that "spark." It’s all going well, you have a few great dates, you get closer, you think he's into you, and then nothing…

You felt him pulling back but you weren’t prepared for him to stop replying. It’s been a few days now, and the long message chats you had last week lay silent. He read your last message, but no response.

It feels like a catch 22—you want to message him, but fear if you do you’ll only push him away further. As a dating coach, I work with a lot of men and women facing the dreaded "read/but not responded to" message. Here are three simple pieces of advice you can follow if this is happening to you.

First, hang fire and give it another couple of days.

I don’t say this out of the notion that you have to "play it cool" so as not to "scare the guy off." That’s outdated advice in an age of instant messaging and connection. Instead, it’s about appreciating that he has his own life and you don’t know what’s going on for him. You may think that his lack of response is all about you but there’s every chance that it is something totally unrelated. Many "problems" are fixed within 48 hours so give it some breathing room and don’t take it personally at this stage.

How do I NOT message him for a few more days?

Learning when to put the phone down is a big challenge of modern day living. The best bet is to keep living your life as you would normally; see friends, squat some of that frustration out at the gym, keep living and reminding yourself that the world certainly does not begin and end with this guy. The temptation to message will be higher if you find yourself stuck inside working on an essay, or your friend cancels your weekend evening plans. If this happens to you then you need to use the power of low-fi time. Endless scrolls of social media will heighten those uncomfortable feels. At least an hour or two before you sleep, perfect the art form of putting the phone onto airplane mode and leaving it in another room. This will help keep your mind focused and clear.

Okay, it’s been five days now… what do I do?

I totally understand why his lack of a message would feel a bit insecure. It is emotionally unsettling to even the most self-assured when you have high levels of emotional intimacy with someone and then they withdraw. A good way to not let this bother you so much is to know that all emotions ebb and flow. Like a wave he was coming towards you, and now he is going back towards the horizon. He will probably come back again and then you can decide whether this is someone you want in your life or not. This is why I would reach out to him from a place of curiosity instead of accusation. He may be an emotionally unaccountable jerk, or he could have had something else he needed to deal with; the only way you’ll know is to test the water without burning the bridge. I’d advise sending something like:

"Hey it’s been a while ;-) so wanted to reach out and see how you are?"

Now, you should reflect on whether his actions are good enough for you.

A critical error that people make with dating is to enter into it always thinking that the "right" result is to get the other person. This inadvertently puts the other person on a pedestal and makes your value tied to whether they move the relationship forwards or not. Instead of worrying about "ruining it" or "chasing him away," see his actions as a good indicator as to whether he can meet your standards. An example of this mindset swap is instead of thinking:

How can I get him back?

Think:

His actions have shown me that he’s not in the right headspace to give me what I need so I’m moving on.

Finally, listen to his response (if any).

Following the message you sent, he now has a choice as to how he behaves, and this really says a lot more about him then it does about you. If he doesn’t say anything at all and flat out disappears all I can say is, "Wowww, what an emotionally irresponsible human," and you definitely don’t need that!

If he writes back with a half hearted, "Yeah good thanks. You?", go back to your own feelings. Is this relationship making you feel supported and good? If not, rather than playing an endless game of cat and mouse, you can let it go:

"Glad you’re okay. I wanted to be upfront that I like to communicate so this probably isn’t going to work for me, but I wish you all the best."

Look to invest your time in the guys who communicate respectfully with you. If he says, “Hey, I’m good thank you—I had project so that took over all my headspace but I’d really like to catch up if you have any free time?”, this is sounding a lot better.

Final word of caution: remember, even if he responds really positively, if he continues to act as on and off as a light switch, you need to talk to him about it or leave it. Only carry on with relationships (social or romantic) where you feel you are allowed to speak your mind, and which leave you with enough energy to carry on and do all the other amazing things that make up your life.

If you want to discover new ways to meet and date, you can find me on Instagram @hayleyquinnx.