What to Say When You Aren't Sure of Someones Gender Identity

You just meet someone, and they seem very nice. Their voice isn't too deep or too high. They have short hair, but not too short. Their height isn't too tall or too short. Their engendered clothes hide their body shape. You have no idea how to gender them.

My name is Isobel, I am a Sociology major who has been taking a course about Gender. We discuss gender identities amongst cultures and societies across the world. It all seems fairly easy to me, however, I have recently noticed a lot of people not knowing how to address gender. My partner had just had their transition from female to male and a lot of people have trouble with asking him his pronouns. Before he came out as transgender, he preferred "they and them" as pronouns. People also did not feel comfortable asking about pronouns of other people because they didn't know how, but pronouns are very important. It can decided whether the person will be comfortable talking to you or not. Whether they will WANT to talk to you or not. And whether they are going to go home happy that day or upset because they were identified by the incorrect pronouns.

Here are the Do's and Don'ts

Don't

1. Assume their gender... most of the time you will be wrong
2. Assume their gender because of their name...they may be boy named Isla, you don't know.
3. Guess their gender... you will probably guess wrong, also... why not just ask?
4. Ask them if they are a boy or girl... not everyone identifies as male or female, some use they or them.
5. Ask others what they think... people gossip and people are wrong, the best way to find out a correct answer is from the person themselves.
6. Call them "it"... they are probably not a cousin who is completely covered in long brown hair and can't speak english... if they are, well then power to yah Adams family.
7. Ask them their "preferred" pronouns. They are not preferred, they are just their pronouns.
8. Try to subtly figure it out... just ask. It is easier, plus there is no guarantee when trying to be subtle.
9. Be annoyed that you cannot see their gender... people aren't dressing and acting to please you. Get over yourself.f
10. Assume gender = sex * Sex is your "bits" and Gender is everywhere else*

Do:

1. Use the pronouns "They" and "Them" *yes they can be used as singular pronouns. If you don't know, this is always a safe bet. It will not offend anyone and you do not have to assume. This way, everyone is happy and comfortable.
2. Ask them, "What are your pronouns?". It really isn't hard. No one will get offended, they will be happier if you ask than if you just assumed.

Not everyone who's gender is non-identifiable will be Queer* or Trans*, so do not assume they are. Gender does not equal sex, just like gender does not equal sexual identity. A trans-women can like women, a man can like men, and a women can like all genders.

It is easy as that. The best way to find out someones pronouns (if it is really that important to you) is to straight out ask. They will appreciate it. You wouldn't like being called a boy if you were a girl or vice versa, right? Why would you think they would be?

Long story short... NEVER MAKE ASSUMPTIONS, ALWAYS ASK, BE KIND, BE PATIENT, BE CARING, THE WORLD DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND YOU OR YOUR WAYS OF BELIEVING. LIVE LIFE HAPPILY AND RESPECTFULLY OF OTHERS. LOVE EACH OTHER AND RESPECT EACH OTHER BECAUSE WE ARE ALL WE HAVE. Thank you and have a great day.