What Would You Do to Stop Hurting?

I was in love, you could even say he was my first love. I thought we would be together forever, but obviously I should have known better. Our families didn't want us together. They didn't want us together so much that lies and rumors were told to one another. Well, I guess our love wasn't enough to keep us together. I don't know why I was so naive to think that we would be together forever or that our love was strong enough to keep us together.

Well after two months of us apart I would still cry about him. I mean, why wouldn't I? He was my first time and my first love. No one could just easily move past that like nothing. I didn't know what to do to get rid of that pain. All I wanted to do was to make it stop and make him feel as hurt as I was. After he simply told me he didn't want me anymore. That hurt and I wanted him to feel what I felt.

I decided to do something so unforgettable, something I even regret till this day. I decided to go have sex with one of my friends. We both agreed that it wouldn't mean anything and it was just sex. Just know, it didn't make me forget or stop the pain, it just made me feel guilty. It made it hurt more, I felt as if I betrayed him. We weren't dating, so I wasn't cheating, but it felt like it. He was supposed to be my first and last. My one and only, I wanted hm to be my one and only.

The guilt only got worse. Well, my first love decided to reconnect and pick up where we left off. This time it would be secret kept between us, our families didn't want us together so we thought it would be best if we kept it to ourselves. I didn't keep the unforgettable thing I did a secret because I thought it wasn't right to keep things from him. He understood, in fact, he dated someone on our little break we had, he didn't take it as far as sex. So, in some way, we were even but I felt as if I betrayed him. I didn't cheat but it feels like it. I think the only reason I feel guilty is because thinks didn't go my way.

We were suppose to be that love story everyone talks about or how they want to have a love like ours. High school lovers, to marriage, and to having a family. I thought that would be us and that nothing would keep us apart, that our love was strong enough to keep us together. Obviously, I was so wrong, I mean we are still together, but I hate that I made those mistakes. If I waited another month we would be together again with no guilt.

He was supposed to be my one and only. My first and my last. No one else but him. I was so madly in love with him and I still am madly in love with him. I just need to learn to forgive myself, technically I didn't do anything wrong. I thought I had to learn to be without my true love the one thing that made me happy and that I was going to be sad and alone forever. The things people do when they aren't thinking straight but you're human, what can you do?

Maybe I was selfish, but what would you do if your true love just told you "I don't want you anymore?" What would you do to get rid of the emptiness inside of you, the pain, and the loneliness? I know sorry isn't enough. Who would I be apologizing to? I didn't hurt anyone, at least that's what I was told. I'm not saying what I did was right, but I'm human. I think all I can do is forgive myself and just live with this mistake.