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What You Learn During a Falling Out

In a perfect world, relationships can outlast anything. In the place we call Earth, however, sometimes being friends just isn't enough.

By Autumn RainPublished 6 years ago 5 min read
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Growing up, my mom and I tended to move from place to place, depending on our financial needs of the moment. Being the shy (and slightly geeky) girl that I continue to be today, I often found difficulties in making friends. That is, until I took up residence in a big city in California. There, I met a half dozen of the kindest, funniest, most genuine people that I had ever had the pleasure of calling friends. For about a decade, we shared school lunches, crushes, secrets, and jobs. We embraced good times and helped each other through bad ones.

Currently, I am only on speaking terms with one of them, and they do not speak to each other.

I do not write this proudly, but in the hope that it may find someone encountering a similarly heartbreaking situation.

I won't go into the details of what derailed all of our connections to each other. In a nutshell, rumors have power only if you believe them. Sometimes trust turns out to be only an illusion, and from there, conflict tends to spiral out of control. For about a year after the initial incident that severed our relationships, we all remained co-workers. This gave me a huge insight into what happens during a falling out that many of the general population hasn't experienced.

1. People choose sides.

Many issues in friend groups or 'cliques' begin between just two people. It doesn't take long however for multiple people to get wrapped in. Once each opponent has the backing of others, it is incredibly difficult for the situation to de-escalate. Everyone digs in their heels, and before you know it the break room is filled with ice-cold shoulders.

2. All rules are nullified.

We'd all like to believe that if we were ever on a side against our closest friends, we would treat each other in a civil manner, no matter the context. When a falling out occurs, all bets are off. The same person who wiped away your tears yesterday may just vandalize your locker tomorrow. Try not to let the change of one's colors make you bitter. Just remember, "hurt people hurt people."

3. You can grieve people who are still alive.

Anyone who has lost a loved one knows the ache in the chest that accompanies death. You can feel the same pain for someone who is walking and talking as well. Those feelings and good memories do not instantly dissolve once two people decide that they no longer want to be friends. It is important to take care of yourself during this time, just as you would if you suffered a death in the family. Losing friendships is a traumatic life event just like many others.

4. You will learn to stand up for yourself.

I say this as one of the world's biggest softies. I am absolutely non-confrontational, and typically allow people to use me as a doormat. That being said, when things get nasty between you and people who hold many of your secrets, you will be surprised by the strength you will find in yourself. I would never recommend beginning an argument, but I would recommend defending yourself as needed. You need to know during this time that you and your emotions matter, and though the other person has a right to how they feel, they do not have the right to bully you.

5. It is best to simply be nice.

I will probably follow this rule in most situations. You don't have to be all cozy with the person who has broken your heart, but you will find that it is easier to simply go with the flow and not make an already uncomfortable situation even worse by spitting venom at people who you view have wronged you, or vice versa. You will end up having more positive feelings about the situation, as will those around you.

6. You will want to throw away any evidence of your lives together. Don't.

It can be pretty painful to stumble across an old photo of yourself and someone that you used to be close with. Your first inclination may be to tear it up or throw it away. Don't. Even if you never end up speaking to the other person again, once the dust settles and you have a moment to reflect upon everything, you will feel petty and regret no longer having that memory.

7. You will want to check up on them via social media.

You will be struck with the urge to stalk the profiles of these people that you formerly called buddies. It is only human nature. However, this is a very slippery slope that can lead to obsession and negative feelings. Your route to healing from the situation will be a lot less rough if you steer clear of things that remind you of the pain.

8. They may want to reconnect with you at some point.

This is another good reason not to become bitter or get rid of old memories. Though it may not be true that time heals ALL wounds, it does help soften people. Someone may think better of a situation 5 years after it happens. Don't hold your breath waiting by the phone for someone, but also don't be surprised if they want to make amends later on.

9. You will try to convince yourself that they weren't good friends to begin with.

The brain loves being right. Therefore, when something like a falling out happens, it will think you into the belief that the other person was always awful to you, and that you are an innocent angel that did nothing wrong. Of course, the reality is relative to the situation. Carry these thoughts with a grain of salt, and remember that no one is perfect. Including yourself.

10. You will feel lonely before you feel peace.

You should use the time that a falling out has occurred to strengthen your other relationships. This will help lessen the gap that your lost friend has left in your life. That being said, you will at some point feel peace. At the end of the day, one should never try and force friendships. That is one big recipe of toxicity.

At the end of the day, if someone wishes to walk out on you, allow them. You deserve so much more than someone whom you have to beg to stay. And if you are the one doing the walking out, do it to preserve yourself and your mental health.

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About the Creator

Autumn Rain

Just a 22 year old Psychology major with a passion for writing! Proud nerd and craft lover.

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