When a Friendship Ends

Breakups hurt. They leave you confused, lonely, and with your brain constantly repeating “what if” scenarios. Friendship breakups are no different; in fact, sometimes they seem more painful because each one felt like “the one.”

In life, we get two types of friends. You get the friends who are constant; whether you’ve known them for a short time, or all of your life, they are like family. Time and distance may separate you, but your bond cannot be broken. Then you have the friends that appeared in your life for a period that almost felt like a mirage. Sometimes it is short and magical, or long and real, but the fact of the matter is that they came and they left. You’re left with questions and voids.

How do you replace someone that you weren’t planning on replacing?

How do you move on?

How do you pick up the pieces?

Over the years I’ve experienced the loss of friendships, and they always seem to bottle down to three reasons:

The hurts that can’t be healed.

In an ideal world, all hurts would be forgiven, but sometimes they can’t be. I am not proud to say that I’ve hurt some friends in the past. I’ve even had friendships where we mutually hurt each other. You should, by all means, fight for your friendships, but some hurts cannot be overlooked. Even with effort, some pains are too big to put a bandage over, and that friendship unfortunately fails.

They’re no good for you.

This is probably the only ending of a friendship where you will feel relief afterwards. Growing up made me realize that everyone you get along with isn’t your friend. Sometimes we are tricked to believe they are, but if they feel toxic, chances are it’s because they are. If they make you feel less than, if they get you into trouble, if they compete with you, if they are unhealthy in any way, they aren’t good for you. If you have a friend that constantly does things that you’ve expressed hurts you, it’s time to let them go. Be careful of the ones who won’t change because “that’s who they are.” No amount of personal preference should be worth a friendship.

You grew apart.

Sometimes it’s not you, sometimes it’s not them either. Sometimes it’s just life. Growing apart is probably the most painful way a friendship can end because there is no foul play or love lost. School ended or you moved to different states or you changed as a person and the two of you no longer have anything in common anymore. The feeling of not being able to make a friendship last can almost feel embarrassing and shameful. The two of you were so close that the entire world knew, and you now have to admit to that same world that this person is a stranger. The person you thought would be your maid of honor, your bridesmaid, or the god mother or father of your children is gone forever. It’s hard to cope with that. It even feels impossible sometimes.

Getting Closure

Appreciate that friendship for what it was at the time you needed it. Love that person for who they were when you had them.

• Whatever reason your friendship ended, the conclusion for you should be the same. To move forward and get closure. Closure is different for everyone, so do what you need to in order to heal. Sometimes this means getting closure without the other person. Remember this on those days when you dwell on your loss a little too hard.
• Focus on the good friends that you still have, and don’t be opposed to making new friends.
• Try your best to let it go. This is the most challenging of them all, but you have to for yourself.
• Lastly, go back and make sure you’ve let it go. If you’re jealous of their new friends, you haven’t let it go. If you are angry with them or yourself, you haven’t let it go yet. Letting go will relieve the burden that the end of a friendship brings.

Dear friends that I’ve lost,

I still love you.

I wish things would have worked out between us. I still cherish our memories. I still have our friendship bracelets. I still laugh to myself thinking about the stupid jokes and good times we shared. I wish change only brought good. I wish growing up didn’t mean losing you. I hope you’re doing well, and that life is treating you like you always deserved. I hope you know that letting you go was not easy. I hope you know that it broke my heart. I hope you know I shed tears over you. I hope you think about me and smile. I hope you miss me, but not in ways that will make you sad. I hope that if it’s in the cards for us, we will be the good friends again. But if not, I wish you the best in life. Thank you for being who I needed at that phase in my life.