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When I Loved an Expectation

If I only knew how to separate delusions from reality.

A few years ago during a visit to my grandmother's house, in another state, I met a guy who I thought would be my soul mate, I would not say love at first sight but there was something about him that got me. He looked so handsome wearing those dreadlocks. They made him look more interesting, free, a rebel compared to the other guys around. Although he did not live in the village, I was told he was a constant presence there because his father owned a farm somewhere nearby. After exchanging a brief glance we would only see each other again four months later. When I went back to visit my grandmother a party took place in the village on that exact day I arrived. The village named after joy itself, Alegre, was an incredible place, far from the city and full of beautiful things. As soon as we saw each other my heart beat so fast that I could barely breathe, but I greeted him anyway. We spent that night talking, finding out we had a lot in common. Is it strange if I say that I remember each word said during our conversation? I simply loved everything about him, his twisted smiles, his shyness, his sense of humor. I still consider our first kiss the best of my life, after that, none had the same magic. The way things happened just made me fall in love in such a spontaneous way that I only noticed how much I liked all that fuss when I got back to my hometown and could not find any blank spaces in my journal anymore to write how much I thought about him.

We met each other again a few months later on another visit to my grandmother's. This time we slept together. It was not perfect, to be honest, I was too young and had no experience to have or give good sex, but for me, the greatness was in the fact we had that moment. I only heard from him again when I was getting on the bus to go back home when a friend of mine called me saying he had looked for me that day. It was too late.

After that, I did not see him in person for years, eight years to be exact, but I knew a lot about his life through social media which brings us all together. Something about him popped up in one of my timelines, like when he had a car accident or when he started dating someone, or just when he traveled. I was following him from afar while I lived my own life, dating, and meeting lots of people. It seemed like the people given the opportunity to be around him were really lucky. I never knew him in an especially deep way because we only saw each other a couple of times, however, the traits of his personality I remembered kept me a captive of his beauty.

Recently, I decided to take a month off from all the stress my life was bringing. I wanted to go to a place where I could revitalize my energy. I had a place in mind and coincidentally I had seen many pictures of him there so I decided to invite him to be my company. I have done this a lot, traveling with friends and sometimes strangers; as long as they know the place we're visiting better than me. Going to this place had always been a dream of mine. In our first conversation through a social media platform, he said it would be totally possible for him accompany me because in the same month I would arrive, he would have already finished college. In each new chat we had, I asked him repeatedly if he was sure about whether it would work for him to travel with me and he said yes.

The only problem is that he had a certain resistance in planning things, which really concerned me. Concerns that disappeared when he told me a couple of times not worry and to stop the drama because everything would be alright. I had no reason to doubt that things would be alright so I kept planning.

When I got everything done, tickets bought, maps in hand I contacted him one more time. This was four days before the trip date, and he told me he was facing money problems, something that for me could be easily solved because I had planned very well for months and saved a good amount of money to spend on the road, including the expense of gas and whatever we would need.

“We will see”, was his response when I said that maybe things would change by the time I got there. I guess he got uncomfortable just like most men when a woman can take over the financial part of something and they cannot. Even though I was struggling with feelings that my trip might be a waste my time, I packed my things. For some reason, I thought he would magically change his mind when we saw each other in person.

I got there on a Wednesday morning, he was in the village where my grandmother lives and it was not my intention to go there at all, but things started going wrong when the bus had a three-hour delay due to traffic problems. I was so excited to see him that the long twenty-four- hour trip couldn’t take away my joy at having arrived there. I saw him a couple of hours after I had gotten to my grandmother’s house and it was a very simple reaction, we hugged each other and exchanged a few words before he left to do something important related to the farm's employees.

The crazy thing is: during the hug, I felt something different as if reality was there to show me that he was not the person I thought he was. Strangely, he was still the same as well, except for the tattoos, which I loved. He was still handsome, still looked free-spirited; he was beautiful without making any effort. He told me he would go to the main street of the village later, where everyone gathers in the evening to talk, drink and play games; we would meet there as always. Inside me, I had so much expectation; I really hoped life would give me a hand in making my fantasies reality. It was right there, at that very moment, I noticed that I had not grown the way I thought I did. I was an adult behaving like a teenager.

I was the first one to get to the street in the early evening as if I needed to make sure I would be there when he arrived. My eyes found and followed him everywhere, but it felt like he was running from me. It can only be my imagination, I thought. In the past, he would have come to greet me without me chasing after him. This time I felt like I surrounded him, and at the end of the night when I was almost giving up on getting his attention we found ourselves alone. We talked awkwardly at first but our conversation eventually turned to more interesting things, like his treatment for anxiety, the medication which the doctors prescribed to him, how he liked life in the country. The only time he mentioned the trip I got the same feeling I had before traveling that it would not happen, he would not go for sure. I didn't feel excitement or willingness in his voice.

Since the trip had fallen through, I was even more determined not to let all of our sex talks lead to nothing. I don't know if he was still feeling shy but I felt like forcing him to be with me. I initiated everything: I invited myself over. I started kissing and touching him. He was there but he seemed empty. It didn't feel like the first time. It felt like he was on autopilot and there was no feeling of connection or lust. I got pretty discouraged after trying so hard that I had to ask myself if I really wanted it to happen. The more I felt the distance, the more I wanted to run away to face the shame I was feeling for had dragged him into my delusions. There are things that were not meant to be, and on that night, it was us. We can not fake desire and from his part, it was not there.

My regret was not just because the sex was bad but mostly because I put myself in a position where I didn't belong. Begging isn't my thing. I played my part well and gave him more pleasure than he deserved. During sex, he suddenly lost his erection as if something had gone really wrong, and maybe it had, but what exactly it was I'll never know. He said the problem wasn't about me but I couldn't believe him.

I was not able to sleep not even for a minute during that night. One part of the night I spent trying to figure out what went wrong. Did I smell bad? Was I too fat? Was my body too ugly? Didn't he find me attractive anymore? So many questions and without any answer. It had been a long time since the last time I had had sex with someone, almost a year, so the penetration was a little troubling, but maybe it was when he sucked my tits and I kissed him right after and I did not like the taste, but as I said I will never know for sure. The other part of the night I was busy watching him sleep. How is it possible someone could be so cute and at the same time so selfish? I was trying to decide which decision would be best, running away or staying to try again. In the morning, he did not seem interested in a second try and I was a little bit annoyed with the results of the previous night. We had breakfast together and he took me back to my grandma’s house.

As strange as it may seem, instead of leaving him alone after the bad sex, I was basically begging for his attention, something I never did before. I was so desperate feeling like I had to prove that I was much better than that, I wanted him to know that I can be really hot in bed, but it wouldn't have mattered anyway because good sex depends on two people. I decided not to talk to him anymore, once we basically talked only by text messages, I thought it would be easy. I could barely keep my promise because I could not stop thinking about him. It was a mix of anger and disappointment that had taken over most part of my feelings.

He will never understand how selfish his attitude was when it comes to the trip because these small details do not really matter to him. He will also never know how much I liked and admired him through all these years because he ran away from all my attempts to be with him. At the end of the day, I understood that I had invented someone who never existed. The person I recently saw was the real him, someone that doesn’t come close to the character I had in mind. I am not saying that his real self is not likable, what I am saying is that it does not match any part of me; we deal with the same things but on a different level. While I would never do what he did to me without being sorry, he did it as if it was the most normal thing in the world. I guess his world must be so full of people giving so he just takes.

I came back home and decided to seek therapy; I need to stop doing this. Nobody deserves my liking if it is not a mutual thing. And the most important lesson: never trust anyone you don't actually know, someone who is not used to caring about the others. Liking him was the product of my crazy mind, I have always liked an expectation, I should have looked after my feelings in order to prevent heartbreak, but I still don’t know how to love in right way.

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When I Loved an Expectation
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