When to Bite Your Tongue and Swallow Your Words

This article is just for us GUYS!!! Ladies, PLEASEdo something else. We love you, but you simply cannot stay here as we guys examine some important issues. This is some secret advice FOR GUYS ONLY!!!

Guys, there comes a time in our lives when our most important device misfires. I am NOT talking about guns. I am talking about the one thing we have that will sometimes get guys into BIG trouble. Can you figure out what it is? If not, I will tell you. It is something that produces the simple sentence I DO. Yup. It is our mouths.

Now, I am not an expert as far as the mouth is concerned, but I have enough experience with my mouth that I can tell you the right things to say and what you should NEVER say to a lady (Don't call her a woman or a female. She is much too classy for those words). When you talk, talk with her, not at her. Be sincere when you say the right things, but keep your yap shut if you think that you are about to say the wrong things. Finally, treat her with the utmost respect. These three items will go a long way and reach her heart very quickly. If you are single, you will learn from this. If you are married, you should know already. If you are currently about to be divorced, you have no one to blame but yourself. Read on, guys.

In this article, I will give you ten examples that I went through. These incidents actually happened to me. In half of them, I said the right thing, but in the other half, you guessed it. My mouth worked BEFORE my brain had a chance to kick in. So, here goes.

Situation #1

In August of 1985, I took my date and our mothers to Atlantic City. I love Atlantic City and I used to go whenever I had the chance (and a size able amount of cash in my pocket). I also drove a beautiful 1976 Mercury Capri that had a manual transmission. I wanted her to see that I was a man's man and did not drive a wimpy automatic transmission. Yes, I was out to impress her. We traveled to Caesar Casino. I was really hyped up. I even had my favorite Frank Sinatra music playing on my AM/FM cassette player that I personally installed in my car a few days before the trip.

Once there, we walked into the casino. I noticed all of the slot machines, card games and everything else. Unfortunately, I also noticed the beverage servers. They were all women, mostly around my age. They were wearing white mini togas. It did fit in with the theme of Caesar's time. It made sense. One of them walked over to me and asked if I wanted something to drink. Yeah, I was thirsty! So, I ordered a Pepsi. THAT is when the trouble started. I learned that night that if another woman approaches you and she is your exact same height, your eyes should be at the same level and not below. When she walked away, my eyes kind of followed here even though the rest of my body was standing still. It was right at that point that I realized that the mouth can work INDEPENDENTLY from the brain. My EX-date asked:

Rose: Do you see something that you want?

Me: (Mouth on auto-pilot): Yup!!!

Rose: I suppose that you find her to be sexy!

Me (Brain still not functioning yet): Oh yes!!!!!

MAJOR MISTAKE! What I should have said is WHO? Who are you talking about? As I said before, I did not show her the respect that was due to her. I learned my lesson that night. It was the middle of August and it felt like the middle of winter in my car that night. No, my air-conditioner was off, but the chill in my car all the way back home was very memorable and I don't mean that in a good way either. Whenever I am with a lady, I make sure that she knows and understands that she is the only one in my life. Unfortunately, I will never have a chance with another lady because my dating life is over. That is why I can share my experiences with you guys.

Situation #2

Just like there are times when the mouth works before the brain can get a chance to function, there are also times when the brain works while the mouth stays shut. I was driving around my college neighborhood one Sunday morning. As I was driving, a Billy Joel tune came on. It was called "Tell Her About It." It was so timely because a lady I met in high school and who also attended college with me NEVER heard me tell her that I loved her and wanted to marry her. I honestly wanted to pull my car over, get out and give myself a quick kick in the behind. Unfortunately, I was not able to actually do it, but I learned a nice lesson. I am the type of guy who will talk to anything that has ears—women, men, corn. You get the idea.

MAJOR MISTAKE! If you meet a nice lady and you think that you like her, let her know. Just be nice about it and not abrasive. Let it sink in for a while and then go on your way. Sometimes, silence is not always golden. Ask the brain for some help.

Situation #3

A friend of mine made this mistake. I could not even believe I heard him say this, but he did. He invited me over to watch a movie at his home. He just bought a LARGE widescreen TV. There were five and a half couples there. (Yes, I was the half a couple). My idiot friend (you will soon see why I said this) had some nice food and drinks for us. It was a nice setting and all. He wanted to turn on the TV so that we could all enjoy the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, but he forgot where he put the remote. Instead of the moron (here goes...) asking his wife NICELY if she had seen the remote, he blurted out,

"Honey, could you take your fat a— and find the remote for me?"

That was when I figured out that it was time to go. Luckily, I had my coat nearby when I saw a remote fly by my face. I wasn't the target, but it found its mark—right in the middle of my buddy's forehead. He bled rather nicely. The other couples followed me out of the door, where it was far safer than inside.

BIG MISTAKE! Remember the respect factor? He didn't. In fact, he had the audacity to ask me a few days later if I saw how his wife disrespected him. I had to educate him and let him know that she gave an angry response, because of his stupidity. I thought that he would have learned something, but he did not. I think that if he said, "Honey, have you seen the remote? I can't find it," he would still have a working remote, TV and a marriage. It was a lovely divorce, though.

Situation #4

Guys, if your wife buys a new dress and asks you if she looks fat in it, the BEST answer—no matter what you want to say—is NO!!! One syllable and very easy to spell. NO!!! No other answer will suffice. NO is the perfect answer in this situation. Say, "Wow! I really like that dress on you. You look great as usual." Don't say anything like, "Gee! You look just as beautiful as a gal at my job," because you are going to give her the impression that you think that gal at your job is much better-looking than your BETTER half. And if she buys a striped dress, do NOT say anything stupid like, "Honey, call the zoo. One of their zebras escaped." That would get you a fat lip right on the spot.

Situation #5

This one is one of my favorites. Guys, if you plan to date or marry an Italian lady, be careful. I know MANY very beautiful Italian ladies. I went to high school with most of them. Italian ladies, for the most part, can cook like no one's business. They can out cook many of the finest chefs on the planet. If you REALLY want to get on her good side, ALWAYS compliment her on her cooking, because you won't be lying at all. EVERY Italian lady I have ever met has ALWAYS made a super great meal. You can NEVER go wrong if you mention how great her cooking is. She put a great deal of work and effort into making a great meal. Like Billy Joel said earlier, "Tell Her About It." Take it from one who knows.

Sitation #6

EVERY lady deserves a compliment at least once a day from every guy who sees her. I am NOT talking about hitting on her in order to get a date. I am talking about a real compliment, one that will make her feel good, not one that will make her run to the police in order to get you arrested. I was on a New York City subway one day. I sat next to a very attractive lady who was on her way to work, like I was. I wanted to ask her out, but I felt that she could have also been married. So, I did what I considered to be the best thing to do. I told myself that I did not want her to feel threatened at all. So, I leaned over to her. We were both sitting in our seats and said, "Hi. I just want to say thank you for making my day much better. You are a very wonderful lady and I hope that you have a great day." I said that exactly two minutes before I got off the train. I stood by the door waiting for the train to stop so that I could get off. While the train rolled into the station, I looked back, waved and smiled at her and then got off the train. I looked back for a second to make sure that the door was closed and to see that she was still on the train. She looked behind her seat through the window, smiled and waved at me. To be very honest, if she dashed off that train, caught up to me and asked me if I wanted to have lunch with her, I was ready to call my boss and tell her that I would be out of work that day because I felt sick. It would not have been a lie, folks. I would have been LOVEsick. Mission accomplished! You are probably saying, "But Maurice, you never got to go on a date with her." You're right, BUT I also showed her that there is at least one less pig out there and one nice guy walking around somewhere on the streets of New York City. Again, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

Situation #7

If you are fishing for a compliment to say to your lady and you see her walking from a store or something, NEVER say something super stupid like, "Honey, I love the way you walk the streets." Do you know what a streetwalker is? For the sake of your imagination, I will say just this: They get paid for their overnight activities! Do you understand, Kemosabe? Do you know what you just called her? Don't say it! Trust me! I NEVER said that to a lady and never will. Be smart and restrain your tongue.

Situation #8

A few years ago, I went out with a lady who expected more from me and refused to give more of herself. When we got together, she laid out some really severe rules. I understand rules of social engagement. I had no problems, but she gave me rules that she never carefully thought out. One of her rules was that we could go out on a Saturday or a Sunday, but we will not go out during the week. At the time she said it, I figured that if she was going to be my girlfriend, I better follow the rules for now.

She made me MISERABLE!!! For example, I took her somewhere to meet some of my friends. I was planning on a nice evening and then I would take her home. We were at a private bar. She drank like she had a fire in her stomach. Then, she had to tell me that I'd love her legs and that they were awesome. Keep in mind that she was no Vanna White. Still, I held the door open for her, held her chair and even her coat when it was time to take it off or put it on. When it was time, I took her home. When we got to her place, we bid each other adieu. I honestly did not lean in when we got to her place. UI wanted to be a gentleman. I got out to walk her to her door. She told me that she would be okay because one of her children is up. I figured that there wouldn't be a kiss on the cheek. After she got into her house, I got back into my Toyota Corolla. I could not speed away fast enough. The next day, I called her and asked her if she had a nice time. She answered in the affirmative. Our conversation drifted onto Christmas, which was three weeks away. I politely asked her what she wanted for Christmas if Santa asked me what to get her. She gave me the name of a VERY expensive French perfume. I looked it up and saw that it was going to make my credit card melt. She was my girlfriend and I made the sacrifice. She never even asked what I wanted. I guessed that she wanted to surprise me.

The next week, I called her during the week to say HI. She told me, "I told you not to call me during the week. I don't want to talk with you. Leave me alone." Now, it was game on like Donkey Kong!!!

She worked at a Lowe's housewares supply store deep in the heart of Brooklyn. I lived about 2 or so miles away in Queens. She called me in the middle of the night (2 AM), when I was struggling to stay warm and trying to get back to sleep before my 5 AM alarm went off for me to go to work.

"Honey, I'm cold and the trains don't seem to be running. I have no way to get home," she said on my telephone.

I simply said, "...And?"

She responded, "Could you come here to Brooklyn to pick me up so that I can get home? I'm cold, honey."

I attended a major university and majored in English. I have a secret college degree in sarcasm. I gave her my best line.

"Honey," I sarcastically said, "go back to Lowe's. Are they still open?"

She said, "Yes."

I finished the conversation by saying, "Good. Because you work there, I am sure that they will give you a great discount on a broom so that you can quickly fly home."

I then hung up the phone and had a great night's sleep. I never heard from or saw her again.

That was the best 2 AM phone call I ever had in my entire life.

Situation #9

If your wife or girlfriend is driving, SHUT UP!! No one likes a back seat or passenger seat driver. Leave her be. Just be glad that she is NOT hitting anyone and/or anything on the road. Once you get home safely, be thankful and let it go. Don't criticize her. Be nice. If she wanted to, she could have done a Thelma and Louise with you in the car. I hope you know how THAT movie ended. Let's just say that and Titanic are probably the only movies that could NEVER have a sequel. Count your lucky stars, instead.

Situation #10

Gents, I told you all I could. I am sure that there are other situations that I refuse to cover here, because some children might find this article. The only other thing I can add is as follows: Like SITUATION #9, if you feel something stupid about to escape your facial mud flaps and jump into her delicate and sensitive ears, remember something I learned a long time ago. "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt." — Abraham Lincoln (also attributed to Confucius) said this and these were two very smart men. Words cost nothing, but they mean so much especially to her. They are truly valuable to her. What are her three favorite words? I LOVE YOU! Those are the words that she will never forget, since they came from YOUR lips. All you have to do is prove it. There is NO remedy for male stupidity. This man understands why. It's because we are men. When you show her your best judgment, you end up showing her how much you love and care for her. Do it!!!

Gentlemen, you may now return to your significant other. Let this article be OUR secret.