When You Discover Your Spouse No Longer Cares

Finding out that after 17 years of marriage, things are not what they used to be.

I think the first time I noticed that something was wrong was about 4 years ago. We were fighting all the time, I mean all the time. It was almost like it was a power struggle. I still to this day cannot put my finger on what started all of this. And to be completely honest, I can't even remember what we fought about back then, I just know how lonely I felt all the time. 

Fast forward to 2017 and more specifically the last 3 months. I began to notice that when my husband would get upset he would say the words "you're right, I am wrong," all the time. It happens so much that I have become so confused as to what it even means anymore. Another thing that I have noticed that my husband has been saying almost on the daily is, "you just have to be right." Now keep in mind that this is being said because of fights we are having over things my husband says he is telling me and I am not remembering. For example, his brother shows up to our home and says he is staying for 4 days. I am surprised, to say the least. I ask my husband if he knew about it and he said yes. I asked why he didn't tell me and he said, "I did." I look at him like he has 4 heads because I know for a fact he didn't because if he did I would have for sure called my sister to complain about it. 

Keep in mind, this is not the first time he has done this, not this month, not even this week. It seems like over the last 3 months, "I told you but you don't remember" seems to his answer to everything that he knows I won't like. If he goes out to eat for the 4th time this week for lunch, instead of bringing his lunch, knowing we have no extra money, and I say something, he says, "I told you I needed to go out to eat for work." He decided to join an adult softball league and they play games at 8 pm, two days a week, with practice on Sundays. When he was leaving the house on Wednesday night at 6:30 pm, I asked where he was going, he said to the game. I wondered why he went so early, he says to warm up. So I think nothing of it. 11:30 pm shows up and he calls to tell me he is on his way home. As it turns out, his games don't start until 10 pm. When I freaked out about him not telling me that he says, "I told you that." 

This type of behavior isn't new. When he worked retail with his best friend, he would leave for work hours before his shift. I assumed it was because he was scheduled to work, I later found out it was because he was going out to eat and watching Netflix at work with his bestie. And then when he got his new job, I found out he was coming home hours later than I expected him because he was going up to his old job and hanging out with his pals for hours. Every day! Listen, if he wants to hang, I don't mind but why lie to me? I am sitting here with dinner ready for you and I am phone bombing you, worried you are dead and you are ignoring me for hours. Then when he finally calls back, he says he was working. He is lying. But why? 

When I try and ask him what is going on, he gets defensive and tells me that I am the one with the problem, not him. He literally turns it all around on me, makes me feel crazy and in the end I ask him for forgiveness for the way I have behaved. I then feel the next few days feeling like a piece of shit for making him feel so bad. After that wears off, I realize that I was played by him, again. I also have begun to notice that he never lifts a finger in this house. He never cleans, cooks, shops for groceries, nothing. He comes home, plays video games, does all he wants. and that's it. All while I work full time, run a charity full time, go to school full time, and write part-time. What has happened? Has it always been this way and I have just never noticed? 

2017 has been a difficult year for me. I had brain tumors removed and then had a massive tumor removed from my right breast. It was during this time that I noticed the most that my husband seemingly just didn't care. He wouldn't even check on me to see if I were ok. He literally said, "If you need me, you will tell me. I shouldn't have to check on you." During my recovery times, I still had to cook, clean, and care for everything in our home. I realized this had to be when the day after I came home from the hospital after having tumors removed from my brain and it was 9pm and I had yet to have any food. I asked my husband if he was making dinner. He said, "I was waiting for you to make dinner." 

Did I teach him to treat me this way or has he just stopped caring? I feel like he has just stopped caring. Maybe I am just not enough anymore. Maybe when we lost our son, he checked out. Maybe this is what happens after all these years. All I do know is that it hurts. It hurts a lot. Part of me hopes that I am not alone and part of me does. I would hate to know someone else feels the way I do, has cried the tears I have cried, and hates themselves the way I hate myself. It is not fun. 

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When You Discover Your Spouse No Longer Cares