When You Lose Someone to Suicide...

The loss of a friend and a family member are two different feelings. But the loss of a best friend that was basically family is something different. Losing someone to suicide is one of the most painful things I have personally have ever had to experience in my life by far. You think about things you could've, would've, and should've said. Then a few days go by and then the denial sets in. Let me tell you about my experience with suicide.

October 20, 2017

I got a knock on my door. "Hey Chas, can I come in for a little bit? I woke up in the woods."

I wasn't really sure how to respond to that. I let him come in. He sat on my couch for a little while. He then went on to ask me if I wanted to go with him to a town over to get one of our friends. Of course I went with him. As we sat in front of the railroad tracks in an empty parking lot he asked me for a cigarette. As I gave him one he looked out his window and said, "It's such a beautiful day... I'm gonna miss days like this." I proceeded to ask him what he meant and he just told me "it was nothing" and for me "not to worry about it." I didn't really think anything of it because he always joked about things like this, but this time when he said this it felt very different. We get our friend and they take me home. On the ride home we made plans of moving to Colorado after graduation.

As we were talking about plans after graduation it made me forget about what he had said in that empty parking lot.

October 21, 2017

I got a call from our friend we picked up asking if I had seen him. My response was no because I hadn't seen him nor talked to him since the day before. After that, it was normal.

October 22, 2017

I got woken up to a call from his mother. I never talked to his mother or met her until this day. She asked me if I had seen him or talked to him because he had been missing for two days. I told her the last time I had seen him was Friday. She told me to let her know if I heard from him. We hung up.

Ten minutes I get a call from the sheriff. He asked me the same thing, when was the last time I seen or talked to him? I told him the same. He explained to me that he would call me if they found him.

After he had hung up I started thinking the worst. He had never gone this long without talking to anyone. I told myself that he was okay and that he would contact me soon.

I get a call about an hour an a half later from a restricted number. It was the sheriff. I got so happy when they said they had found him...but my heart dropped when I heard his mother's voice in the background screaming, "HE'S DEAD!! MY BABY IS DEAD!!" The line went dead and the call ended.

My best friend had shot himself at age 16. I am 18. I saw him as my little brother. What would I do without him in my life? How could I possibly go on without him? Who would I talk to about my problems?

He didn't drop any hints to anyone but me. Was he trying to call out for help to me, or was he trying to let me know that I will be okay? All these questions I still have will forever go unanswered.

If you have a friend that suffers with depression, always, and I mean ALWAYS, check in on that person. Even if they don't suffer, just always check on them. No one really understands what one phone call or even a smile or a simple hello can do for a person.

Much love,

CC