Where Has All the Authenticity Gone?

It's all Bullshit; Nancy in Stranger Things Season Two had it right. Let me start off by saying I'm a student, trying to get an engineering degree, in my senior year of college, dealing with people all day, every day. I have to make pointless small talk with people who I will never see again after I graduate, I have to be polite to people who are rude to me at my student job, and I have to deal with professors who think giving 4 group projects, 3 assignments, and 1 presentation in the last few weeks of the semester is fair before having to take 3 final exams. I deal with all of these people because I have to; because I'm spending thousands upon thousands of dollars of my own money (not my parents') to get this engineering degree in order to find a job and develop a functional life for myself after college. I deal with these people because it's part of being a human being; providing others with courtesy even if you don't think they deserve it.

And in reality, most of them don't deserve it because most people are fake. By fake I mean they are insincere, unauthentic, and often say things they don't mean in order to please people, save face, or get others off of their backs. I've dealt with more fake people in my three years at my transfer university than I have ever before in my life. I've dealt with everyone from an alcoholic who used me for sexual pleasure to a boy who would only text me when he was high and horny. I've dealt with a girl who lied to me about her age and dating history to a girl who acted like my friend but then only shared her life with me through her Snap stories. I've dealt with a group of people who have a serious superiority complex on a power trip, believing they know all and they are better than everyone else. I've dealt with a boy who made me his therapist when he claimed he didn't need one, and another who claimed to be my friend but then would never text me back when I needed him. I've dealt with a lot, and I'm tired. I'm tired of dealing with everyone's Bullshit.

I'm not 100 percent innocent either. I have plenty of my own bullshit. I'm the definition of a true introvert, who can literally feel herself disconnecting from a group of people she's hanging out with when she's feeling too overwhelmed. I struggle with anxiety to the point where I'm medicated and often lose sleep over it, and I'm still learning how to handle it on a daily basis. I can't handle ditsy people, especially girls, and I often find myself enraged by them if I'm around them for too long. I appear chill to the point where people often write me off as boring and think I have nothing interesting to say when in reality I have a lot of interesting things to say, but most people aren't worth the effort to convince them of that. I'm weird in the sense that I am exceptionally observant; I'll remember when your birthday is and how old you're turning, while you will have a hard time remembering my last name. I have an exceptional memory and I'm smart, so I like to get things right and I take it very personally every time I'm wrong. I will always be my own worst critic, and I will take every good and bad thing you say about me and to me to heart, even if I come off as unaffected by it. I'm not perfect, nowhere near it actually. But I'm aware of my flaws, I'm authentic, and I'm open. I think small talk is a waste of time because it supports this idea of vapid niceties that will never lead to any where. I'd rather sit down with you one-on-one and get to know you as a person or avoid talking to you all together; there's no in between for me.

So there's my own bullshit for you. I'm sure I could think of more but why dwell on that. My point of this is why do we, as humans, put up with this shit? From others and ourselves. Why do we let people walk all over us and write us off? Why do we encourage being nice over being authentic? Why do we tell people we are good when in reality we're having a shitty day? Because apparently saying shitty is not a polite way to respond to "How's your day going?" but whatever, tell them it's a shitty day! Be real! Don't make other people try to solve your problems for you, but be real with them at least. Stop wasting your energy on giving people false hope, making false plans, and putting on a persona, it's so much more energy wasted than what it's worth. Be honest.

I'm working on getting better at calling myself out on my own bullshit, because like I said, I'm tired, and I'm not getting any younger. I'm going to drive myself crazy if I spend the rest of my twenties having to pretend to be happy or nice or positive for the sake of other people. The only time those feelings should be expressed is when they are authentic. If you're feeling happy, say it, if you're feeling shitty, say it. Again, the purpose of being open and honest isn't about unloading all of your troubles onto other people who don't want to hear them, it's about focusing on not being fake. I'm also not encouraging you to be discourteous to people; treat people with respect but don't waste another person's time with fake niceties. At the end of the day, it's all just bullshit, so why don't we focus on making the world a little less shitty for everyone and work on being our authentic selves? That's what I'll be focusing on.