Who Knows?

Look up the Webster’s definition. Read some Lord Byron. Practice some meditations on a mountaintop with some gurus. Do what you want, but the answer to the age old question, “What is love?” won’t come until we ask how we define it for ourselves and look at how we manifest that definition in our own lives.

If you think it’s manifesting in the people you date or the relationships you hold, you’re only partially right. We can’t control how others will act. We can’t save someone or fix them, so whatever love you’re hoping to find is probably being projected from your expectations. Unfortunately, projected expectations RARELY ever meet reality. This causes an existential crisis as one finds conflicts between what is expected and what is actually obtained.

This being said, let’s move on to the big question: what is love? Let’s create some realistic expectations and then direct those expectations towards those who can meet them. How do you define love? Yes, you. The person reading this. Some may have a hard time getting started or coming up with some viable options, so here are the three most common responses I’ve gotten from the discussion topic: acceptance, empathy, support. If you have a different answer, that’s completely fine. I didn’t ask for any definition. I asked for yours. Take your time before you move on to the next paragraph. There’s no rush.

When you’ve got a good hold on what you use to define love, that’s when you can focus it on those who can meet and offer a fulfilling love. If you’re clever, which I know you are, you have probably already guessed what the next question will be: How do you show yourself this love? If we lower our own standards of ourselves in what love is being given, it won’t be long before we lower our standards for what love is being received. The self is the best place to start with this because self-love is simultaneously given and received. How do you take care of yourself? Do you show yourself the same level of care you’d like to receive from someone else? Do you show yourself the same compassion, patience, and acceptance you wish others to show you?

Love is just like hate: you don’t just have it. It is a practiced skill. Isn’t that an interesting concept: love is a skill instead of an emotion? Same with hate? The truth is that it gets easier with practice, just like a skill. It becomes a more natural behavior, just like a skill. It becomes reflexive, just like a skill. Why not think of it as a skill?

Once we think of love as a skill, instead of an uncontrollable emotion that takes us on our often scrambling adventures, we can direct it. When you were describing love for yourself, was there anything that came to mind? Not a person or relationship, but an activity or hobby? It’s something to think about: what do we do that gives us that fulfillment? Something that we can nourish and foster our own drive in is going to more potent, more powerful, when we can practice it with that definition of love we yearn for.

The only person we can place these expectations on is the self. Like what was mentioned earlier, we can’t change or control anyone else, so our best bet for fulfilling love must begin with the self. This doesn’t mean that it’s a lonely road, but, as you raise your own standards and begin to treat yourself as you want to be treated, it will become easier to recognize others who can bring that particular expression of love to a relationship. Similar philosophies gather and, once you’ve taken the time to identify yours and strengthen that skill, you’ll find yourself potentially shedding off old relationships for new, more copacetic ones, or strengthening currently existing ones.