Who's Not Your Baby?

Who's your daddy? Straight guys have been using this line to pick up females for quite some time, to varying degrees of success. It always struck me as incestuous and gross. Like why would anyone want to think about their father's during sexy times? Of course, I'm also the one who has a strict schedule for how often a new bf can see me, but that's for a different article or column if I can ever land one. Columns are as elusive for me as boyfriends are. Getting off track here. Who's your daddy? It boggles my mind that people think that this line is sexy. I don't get it. Am I alone in thinking that this is a pickup line that needs to go the way of "Hey baby, did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" Seriously, who thought necrophilia was sexy? Maybe there are some things that I am just not supposed to understand. By now, you must be trying to figure out why I am writing about this topic today. As always, a personal experience made me think about it.

During the Writer's Digest Conference, there was a cocktail reception. I am not one that passes up booze, especially when it's free. You can say a lot of things about me but I am no fool. Vodka keeps me warm at night, not some man. So I was minding my business, trying not to people, and this guy comes up to me. He was cute, not in a Ryan Gosling or Channing Tatum way but if he had asked me to dinner and for more drinks, I wouldn't have said no. Instead, he opens with "Who's your daddy?" I paused for a second and gave him my dad's name. Now, I was confused as to why this dude wanted to know who my dad was. I mean, my dad is straight sofarasIknow and the dude had a better chance of getting with me but whatever.

This guy was persistent. "Who's your daddy?" So once again, I told him my father's name and city that he is from. At this point, it is starting to hurt a little. Maybe I am not Twink, but I am still damn good looking (if I do say so myself) and I was right in front of him. Why in the world would he not notice me? Surreptitiously, I text my friend to find out what was wrong with me.

Before an answer could come in, the guy leans in, hot breath on my neck and asks again, "Who's your daddy?" At this point, I have had enough. The old me, that is to say, the younger me, would have just grabbed him, kissed him, and made him forget about my dad. This me just walked away. Plus there was another cute guy that I was pretty sure wanted me because he kept staring and raising his eyebrow when he got caught looking at me.

The whole thing left me wondering if maybe my self-esteem was too high or something. Because if I am standing right in front of you, there should be no reason for a decent looking guy to want my heterosexual father. As much as I hate to admit this, and now that it's on the internet, he'll frame it and use it against me until the day one of us dies: But I look exactly like my father minus the grey hair and wrinkles. After the incident, I talked to the cute guy for a bit and we added each other on Facebook and Twitter. Yet, I couldn't get my mind off of the "Who's your daddy?" guy.

It wasn't that the line worked, I was repulsed by it. When my ex used to try it during our couple time, I would kick him out of bed and tell him to go get his dad if that's what he wanted. Was I behind on some trend, where being your lover's dad was sexy? Like I mentioned the WTD guy was good-looking enough, smelled nice (very important to me), and is a writer. He checked all my boxes for at least a first date. Did he think that using that line would lure me to his hotel room without him investing some time and vodka in me? Maybe. I'm not in his head, and I am not sure that I ever want to be.

Though another friend reminded me of a conversation that we had earlier in the week. With every friend, I have a certain relationship: sarcastic, supportive, whatever the case is. With this friend, he is a fellow writer and also happens to be gay. We had been talking about a date that he was going on with a ghosting douchebag. Err, a nice gentleman with whom he wanted to make acquaintance with. Since our relationship is supportive with humor, I asked him if he would be calling the guy "daddy." It was totally off the cuff and meant to be a joke. The conversation that followed was not a joke, though it was a good idea for a story.

His answer was maybe and then asked who my daddy was. Again I gave an off the cuff answer that I was my own daddy. Why oh why did I not think of this with WTD guy? This led he and I down a path of physics and asking questions about how things would work. Like I'm gay, so how would I get the necessary DNA to the eggs that would end up creating me? It was a weird conversation that only two gay writers could have. Some might argue that two writers could have it, of any sexual orientation. Those people would be wrong.

So why was it okay for me to ask my friend if he would call that no good, nasty man, I mean his date, daddy but not okay for WTD guy to use the line on me? The answer is simple: my friend is an intelligent, thoughtful gentleman who would never open a flirtation with that line. WTD guy not only opened a flirtation with that line but persisted with it beyond what any rational person would do. Maybe he had the same personality traits as my friend, but the opening line of his was a loser. Once I answered the first time, we could have laughed and launched into a new conversation. He could have bought me another cranberry vodka and then we could've had dinner.

Now some other guy will have to learn the rules for dating me. Including realizing I am not their daddy or they are not mine.