Why?

I just wish I knew why. Why out of all people you would hurt and betray me like this. I trusted you. I trusted you with my heart, body, and soul. And you hurt me in the worst way. You knew. You knew I had a stroke. And you lied to my face. Not only did you act like you didn't know, but you didn't care. You didn't care that I could, would, and should be dead right now. You were selfish. You only thought about your problems and instead of trying to work things out with someone who loved you unconditionally and with her entire being, she would do anything for you. But you humiliated her. You broke her heart in front of everyone. You made me feel so ugly. So fat. So stupid. So worthless. And I held you so high up on a pedestal. I talked about you to everyone and anyone who would listen. I stood up for you when anyone would say why am I with you. I didn't give a sh** what anyone ever said because I loved you and it didn't matter to me what anyone in the world thought of that. But not only did you never stand up for me, but you always took everyone else's side. And I still loved you. And you kept a huge secret from me. Why you chose to break my heart knowing I had a major stroke, that is the most hurtful thing anyone has ever done to me. I'd rather you cheated on me. I could forgive you more easily than for this. This makes me feel like you wanted me dead. Like you didn't care whether I was dead or alive. Like I meant NOTHING to you. And you were always my hero. I've written Poetry about how much I look up to you and love you. I've thought about you for every holiday and I'm still in debt for everything I've bought you. But see, that isn't what bothered me. It was that you never showed me you appreciated any of it. Nothing was ever good enough. Nothing I did, nothing I said, nothing. And slowly you stopped noticing me. You just saw right through me like I was some invisible being or a ghost. I just wanted to feel like you loved me. Like I was good enough for you. But no matter how much I expressed that, nothing ever changed. I know I have problems. I know I have anger issues. I know I curse too much. I know I get jealous too easily. But NOBODY'S perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. And I don't deserve this.

Maybe at one point, I thought I did. But now I realize I'm not a bad person. I have some really good qualities. And if you couldn't appreciate me and love me for who I was, then you'll never appreciate and love me for who I am now and continue to change into. I'm a better person than I was but I was never a terrible person. I deserve to be loved, appreciated, cherished, and cared about. I don't deserve this betrayal, this heartache, and neither does anyone. Everyone deserves love. Maybe if you didn't think so little about yourself, you would realize that. I never saw you as anything but the most perfect man to me. For me. With me. But I was just a side thought. Never the main priority. And that's why I think I'm having such a hard time forgiving. I'm so hurt. And I don't know how to handle it.