Why Do I Love You?

You broke me, shattered my soul into a million tiny fragments. I loved you with my whole being… I still do. I can’t stop loving you. You stole a part of me that I can never get back. It's been almost a year since you left. The depression is gone; I can function normally now. And I might be OK but I’m not fine at all. “It’s his loss,” they told me. However for him, he didn’t lose anything. He just wasn’t in love anymore. But me, I felt like I lost my whole world. I lost every kiss we ever shared, every happiness I’ve ever had. I lost it all. And worst of all, I have to walk around everyday still loving you, still needing you. Hopefully someday, you’ll realize that the worst thing in life was losing me, losing someone who loved you and gave the world to you. I understand that I have to move on and love someone else, I just don’t want to have to actually do it. I hate that I’m almost incapable of loving someone else because of you. I don’t know how to fix myself. I don’t feel healed, I feel taped and stapled together. Like just passing you in the hallway will rip everything right open again. I don’t know if anyone truly understands what I’ve been going though. And I feel like I annoy everyone because your name always comes up in conversation. You are all of my memories, all I think about, dream about, and wish about. I wish you would leave my mind like I left yours. It’s so easy for you to ignore me when we cross paths. How? My heart feels like it stops and I can't breathe. Then the shaking and the crying takes over to the point where I need to sit down before someone asks if I'm OK. I loved life and now I don’t ever want to leave my bedroom.

I wrote this above paragraph two years ago now. At the time life was bleak and it continued like that. Time does heal all wounds, but it’s OK to think that is total bullshit for however long you need to. Sometimes it doesn't help to listen to people say, “It will get better,” because for you at that moment, it won't get better and you don’t see it getting better. Let your body feel those feelings and cry when you need to. Even if it's a year later and something around you triggers those emotions, I encourage you to feel them. No one can put a timeframe on healing, you aren't being overdramatic and they weren't, “just a boy” or “just a girl.” They were someone you lost and it's good to mourn for loved ones you've lost. It only takes one moment, one blink, and your life is changed forever. Most people aren’t good with change.

For me, I was just going through the motions of work and life, constantly thinking about what he was doing. Taking every day as it came, trying not to think about anything other than the present helped. I decided to drop out of school and move back home for a while. It was the best decision I could have made. As soon as I was back home I reconnected with a childhood crush. He was the bad boy type and had a reputation of being a player. Oh was he ever fun though! Always surprising me with new adventures and constantly pushing me out of my comfort zone. He saved me from living in fear of my life. I subsequently was the one girl he finally decided to settle down with. We live together now and have a kitten. Everyday is a new day, start over as many times as you need.

Life is good.