Why Don't I Have Friends?

When I was a kid I never had many friends. I was always fairly advanced for my grade, so my teachers had to occupy me with other, different activities. You guys already know: No one likes a teacher's pet. The other kids did not like me much, and usually avoided me. I was constantly under my teachers, and they always gave me praise, which felt good, but it would have been nice to be able to celebrate success with other students my own age. At recess I did not play with the other children. I just sat down beside a teacher I knew, or played alone. In partner activities no one paired up with me, and if they had to, they didn't talk to me, and I ended up doing all the work.

You get the idea.

This went on for some years, and I accepted my solitude.

In the second grade I had a teacher who decided that I did not need to be in her class. She told my father that she felt it would be better for me if I was moved up a grade level. They gave me a two-part test, with math, ELA, and science content from the third and fourth grade curriculum. I passed them both with As.

I felt nothing leaving my old classroom. I remember the change in the air, though, when my teacher made the announcement to my class that I would be moving up to the third grade. They all stared at me with obvious lack of care. They didn't know me, or care to know me. The environment of that classroom was not disturbed when I left.

When I met my third grade teacher, she told me that I would be fine, and that it would be a lot of fun. Then she introduced me to these two girls from her class, and told me that they would help me make the transition easier. One of them smiled at me, and grabbed my arm and told me that she had my back, and that we could be best friends.

My heart exploded.

Best friends? Really!? I didn't know what to say or do, but smiled and followed her to class.

For the rest of that year we would hang out every morning in the teacher's room next door; her mother's classroom, and we'd play Book Worm on the computer. We would always pair together and joke about everything. Our classes had two different periods, so while she went to other classes, I went into the Gifted and Talented class, where all the smarty-pants kids went. It was hard for me to be apart from her, but she always met up with me at the bus stop at the end of the day. All of it was so new to me, and I threw myself wholeheartedly into our friendship.

After spending much of our time together at that elementary school, it was time to move to the next grade. The fourth grade was at the intermediate school, so we would be going to a new building with other students from other elementary schools. I was so nervous, but I just KNEW that we would have another great year as best friends!

I was wrong.

We ended up in separate classes, and the few times I did see her, she barely spoke to me. I was so upset, but I had people in my class that I remembered from Gifted and Talented, so I tried my best to make friends with those people. I was never close with them though. For a very long time I was never close with anyone.

I am 20 years old now, and you would think that by now I would have learned to open up to people, and tried to find myself a best friend. I believe strongly that for many years I have subconsciously harbored those emotions, and prevented myself from being so open to what we call 'friends'. I recently had a conversation with my boyfriend about it, and he really thinks that I just have abandonment issues, and that I don't want to get really close to someone, only for them to leave me. It makes sense.

I'm sure that there are many of you who feel the way that I do about friendships. I always say I don't need friends. I would like them, but I do not ever feel like I need people around me. The more I think about it, though, it's probably just me being afraid of being hurt. I do like having space and solitude at times, but I could find friends who respect that, and maybe even enjoy having that space themselves. I am currently learning to open up to friendships, because you never know when you'll really just need someone to lean on, and you never know when you could be that person for someone else.