Why Feelings Drag Me Down Lately

Ever since I was 18, I should've known how complicated dating was going to be. It just got more complicated as the years went by, I wish I caught on to it earlier while I was in high school because every other time I look back on it, I realize how much I was knee deep in my fairy tale phase since I was all into those high school movies where the guy gets the girl by the end except I had no idea how it was nothing like that plus the more I end up catch feelings, the more cynical I got towards the idea of someone actually liking me back.

The first girl that was the origin of where my ideals came from was Millie. She was beautiful, had curly hair, and her voice was really cute. We met in a sociology class in high school and I already had a few friends trying to say we'd be great together, but I was only trying to be friends. But of course, my naive self developed feelings for her and at first, she didn't feel the same way but about two months later, we've been talking a lot and she gets feelings for me too so that threw me off and when we talked more in the summer, she told me that she liked other guys too so that should've raised brighter flags to me.

Millie ended up going with another guy which really hurt but I moved on. After her, I dated another girl briefly when I got to college but I somehow knew the truth that I wasn't ready to date and she told me she was either which was fine, but about six months later, I tried to date again by going for Sofia from Me, Ellen, and the Girl I Wish I Never Liked. It was probably one of the dumbest decisions I've ever made but I did learn a lot from it so that helps.

After that happened, I've just been focusing more on myself but I still tend to look into the dating world sometimes and what I see discourages me a lot. On one hand, when I see people even good friends of mine and they have a significant other, I get a little mad because they have someone when the world ends but on the other hand, it reminds me that I have time since I can focus more on my acting and writing so if I meet a gal who wants to share the journey with me, awesome but if she doesn't, I have to keep moving forward. However, I'm okay with her not sharing the journey but she's definitely supportive of what I do.

Honestly, it's hard to see relationships and no matter what they do, it's never enough for someone and knowing that you could be in a situation like that. Another thing that's hard is you could be the biggest romantic in the world and you can still get so much shit for being that, it adds to these complications that are already there and it makes me cynical to all of it like when Millie liked me back, it started a domino effect for me. I could be out hanging out with some friends and Alexandra Daddario (Baywatch, San Andreas) could approach me to tell me that she thinks I'm cute and she wants to hang out sometime, I'd still turn her down because I'm so cynical about that.

Lastly, I'm cynical about the whole "love at first sight" bit because when someone says that they fell in love at first sight, I laugh a little because I've been in that scenario before and it may have been different experiences but they were nothing but bad lessons for me and when it would constantly repeat no matter how much I learn and change my ways, it's always the same. I don't know anymore, dating and love is such a weird place for me these days.