Why I Can't Be Loved

So I bet you clicked on this thinking, well, damn another sob story about the lack of love in someone's life. I am betting it is something you have experienced yourself, or at the very least you know someone who has. Maybe my story is a tad different from most, but it's still oddly common, I'm sure.

How I know it to be true.

Since I was little, I have always had health problems ranging from little stomach aches to having my gallbladder removed. In my early to mid 20s, things have kind of taken a turn, and not for the better. My body has really started to fail me in a multitude of ways.

Every joint I have is always in excruciating pain. But it just can't be my joints; my back and neck muscles are in constant spasm, my doctor compared them to rocks. So with these darn muscle spasms, the nerves in my back are being pinched. Im still waiting to have x-rays of my shoulders to tell me if I need two total shoulder replacements done.

You are probably thinking, what does this have to do with you being loved? Well a lot, it turns out. My family members and friends have always seemed a tad annoyed when something new happens with my medical condition. The attitude of "great, this shit again." I feel awful every time I am in pain, and have to let someone know. I've been called a hypochondriac more times than I care to have been.

So my big question is, if my family and friends can't even stand how sick I am, how will I find that someone special to spend my life with who will?

Probably single forever.

My big question seems so awfully big in my mind, and in my heart. Most people don't know that I have absolutely dreamed of owning a home, and sharing it with that one special person, and that we'll grow old together. I'm sure that seems small and silly. But to me, having someone you can share your life with seems pretty great.

Unfortunately with my medical conditions that never seem to stop growing, I am almost certain I won't have the things I dream of most. No person would ever want to spend the rest or their lives taking care of someone else on such a deeply personal level. How can I ask someone to be there when I have to constantly go to the doctor, when I have to remember when to take all of my pills, or go to the hospital for yet another procedure?

It's taxing on me, let alone someone else. Especially with all the coarse attitudes I receive now about the subject. I am sure there are so many people out there who have it worse than me. I just hate the feeling of growing old alone.