Why I Couldn't Possibly Just Date Anyone

I feel like this article is long overdue. I've been meaning to write this for some time, but now, I feel the time is right.

I met up with my friends recently, who have seemed to be in a relationship for nearly more than a decade and they were still in love, so comfortable around each other and it was something so real and I had that feeling again.

The last time I felt it was reading about Robert Smith from the band The Cure and amongst my boredom, I read about the relationship he had with his wife. They met in high school, got married young, and decided to never have kids, just so they could be together and 30+ years on they're still that way. Both relationships, I have to admit, made me cry. I was so fascinated with the idea of it. That's my idea of a marriage.

The song "This Twilight Garden" by the band just finally gave me that kick I needed. I was thinking about the subject of love and how rare and impossible it seems, The way he felt about his wife really shone through his music and of course, I'm reading such love stories and yet I've never had a true example of it.

In my previous involvement with someone, I remembered the exact moment when I knew it wasn't love. I remember looking at my food, just after we spoke, thinking "this wasn't it." It felt terribly unrequited on my part, when I was never the one who had the initial attraction in the first place, but over time and when I was finally comfortable to admit that I loved him, it wasn't as generous on his part. Actually, he kindly wanted nothing to do with it and again I became closed off but I don't think that's necessarily my fault. It seems to be the way of the world.

People can only treat you as well as the feel about themselves, but I feel that perhaps I'm in the wrong time for it, or maybe from being an old soul, it's something I'd have to bring back into the world.

People are not disposable. They shouldn't be taken for granted. My old friend told me that when his nan died, he said she and his granddad had been together for years. "That's real! We just treat people like they're disposable." My grandparents were the same. They met and two months later they were married 'til death.

Now, I happened to be in the most awful relationship I had ever been in at the time when my grandmother passed. She was the last one and I had never dated anyone since, for three years before being involved with someone else. It traumatised and disheartened me for quite a while.

I was with him that night and the next morning I found out. I thought to myself, "What am I doing here? Why am I doing to myself?" I was allowing this guy to be emotionally abusive towards me and I was miserable. Then I thought of the love my grandparents had and I walked away from him. I suddenly knew what I deserved and I kept that promise to myself.

I'm not just gonna be with anybody for the sake of being with someone and I'm not gonna say yes to some guy's invitation to dinner. I've only had a feeling once when I just knew I had to know someone and I felt comfortable in doing it.

I thought of him the other morning, of the time when I decided to gather up all my courage to find him and tell him how I felt. I walked for a few miles but I chickened out at the last second. It was so funny. I was quite shy around him, but I only blame myself for that.

I guess being crazy about someone and shy is a bad combination. But that's okay. They say if your palms are clammy and you get so nervous to talk to someone and your heart races, they're not "the one."

But that leads me on to the movie Big Fish. My friend and I were talking about romantic gestures. He told me, "You can't just give a girl a rose anymore. You'd come off as a creep" and I mentioned the movie and how he filled the whole of her front garden with daffodils and how he had never met her, but he spent time in a circus to know more about her, working for the ring keeper who knew her to learn one fact every month and he never gave up and when he finally had his chance, she didn't know who he was, but he tried every day and it was just so sweet.

I once met someone who became a good friend when I was parked in a car park to go in to a shop and we spoke for a moment, whilst walking to the store and when I returned to my car, a book was underneath my wheel with his number and he suggested that this was a good book for me to read. I was in awe of it. I had never had such a thing happen and he became a good friend, mostly because of the age gap. But I had never known anything like it. There should be more of it in the world.

When people say you should love yourself before you love others, it is very important and true for a very healthy relationship. I'm glad I took that time out to work on myself in that way. Again you can only treat others as well as you treat yourself and others will treat you as well as they feel about themselves. All kind of complications can happen if there is no self-love.

I've returned to taking that time again and now feel even stronger and more confident than I have done in the past, but I'm not quite ready yet. I know a relationship is something I don't want right now. I'm very sensitive from the past and am taking time to heal, but hopefully I have something for me like my two best friends.