Humans logo

Why I Kept Attracting Men Who Weren’t Out of the Closet

And Why It Was Actually Me the Entire Time

By Chris PartschPublished 6 years ago 4 min read
Like

It all started from an early age. I realized I was in love with my best friend from 12-18. At first, I didn't realize it because obviously at such a young age, who could? We would go on an adolescent double date with two girls, and the entire time I was pretending to make moves on the girl I had been stuck with, I would have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I took time to try and process what was happening. Was I jealous of him? No, that wasn't it because we were equally popular and equally attractive. That's when I realized it wasn't me being jealous of him, it was me being jealous of the girl he was with. He became the standard for what I would attract in my life. Longing for someone who could not give me back what I wanted, either because the feelings weren't there or he wasn't comfortable with his sexuality.

He would do and say questionable things that I think he used to keep me around. I told him how I felt at about 14 years old, and he told me in return that those feelings were not reciprocated. But that he loved me as a friend. After six years of torture and chasing him—we ended up messing around one night and then we never spoke again. The thing I had wanted to do so very badly happen actually happened! And ironically, it was like a nuke on the relationship and I was left holding the pieces of something I had wanted so bad (subconsciously) because it was always just out of reach.

Before I forget, let's not forget the true reason behind why I chase men who don't love me the way I deserve. I grew up with (or I guess I really didn't since he left when I was seven) an addict father. He always made promises he could not keep, would go missing for years at a time—and the only fond memories I had were of him abusing me and my brother. He could tell from my voice and from my lack of male friends that I would be gay. He was not interested in having a gay son, and he wasn't afraid to drop an F bomb. He knows about it, but we have never had the conversation. All I ever wanted was my dad to love me for who I am, and to be transparent with him about parts of my life that are important to me. Around 15, he casually decided to come back into the picture. I tried rebuilding the relationship but thus far he seems distant still, though he has since rebuilt a relationship with my sister. Because of the relationship with my dad, I developed abandonment issues that have haunted me since I can remember. I digress. But it was not until last week, at the age of 27—while being broken up with again by a guy who had decided he still liked women more than men (who by the way threatened me with violence and disrespected me on a daily basis)—I came to a realization.

It may seem trivial or obvious, but to me it was something I had always somehow overlooked.

I had never had the conversation with my dad about my own sexuality.

See, I have spent my whole life trying to be validated by people. People who aren't OK with themselves; people who don't respect others; people who would spend their entire adolescence (literally every day) with someone only to drop them as if they never even met. I've chased countless closeted men, married men, men who professed their love to me after three days (literally, lol) only to be cheated on a month later.

But here's the catch. The common denominator is me. It's always been me. It's always began and ended with me, myself and I. And here is my prime example.

This may sound strange but the same day that I had the epiphany of a lifetime about my lack of "coming out" to my dad, I noticed something else (This is where my overanalyzing comes in, and also me trying to be cute). Every guy I've been in a serious relationship has had the same scar under their chin. I am being 100 percent serious. I don't know if it's a god thing or a coincidence, but it's always been one of those things I thought was funny.

I was having my morning coffee while sending a snapchat to the guy who was about to break up with me..and all of the sudden..holy mother of baby Jesus himself, I realized that I have the same scar.

Take from that what you will. But as the pieces of the puzzle started to fall into place, I did realize that everything always did involve me. I was both the key and the lock that kept my interpersonal relationships from thriving.

I'm not sure how the talk will go. I'm not sure how it will heal me or help me. I'm not expecting the pearly gates to open, or be rewarded by being blessed with some amazing man who just shows up at my doorstep once I've made the decision to be truly honest about who I am. But maybe it'll switch something inside of me and I'll stop spending my entire life pushing good things away while chasing people who very clearly don't care about their own wellbeing, let alone someone else's.

lgbtq
Like

About the Creator

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.