Why I Stayed

It all began the summer before my freshman year of college. I was talking to this guy that literally made me the happiest I had ever been. He made me feel comfortable from the beginning and it was so freeing. Because I am a little shy this very short relationship opened my shell. He helped me feel comfortable with showing my true self regardless of my environment.

I hoped this would be a successful, healthy relationship but shortly after it all ended when I left from what I still call "getting hurt". See, he wasn't over his ex when we started talking and I felt that I would get hurt if I continued to talk to him or eventually get in a relationship with him. So I ran. I ran so I wouldn't have to worry about getting hurt or wasting my time. One thing I hate: Wasting my time.

As a Libra, I am very indecisive. So it takes me a while to make up my mind on everything. However, this was a quick decision that I hope I didn't react too quickly.

After that summer fling, I met a guy on campus that Fall who seemed to be too good to be true. He continued to pursue me and show great interest in me. At first, I wasn't sure if he just wanted to be friends and would give me time to get over the summer fling guy. Eventually, campus guy told me that he liked me and enjoyed spending time with me every day. We became friends before we became official and I have enjoyed every minute of it.

Two and a half years have passed now and I am still happy from the first day that I met him. He opened my eyes and taught me to look from both sides of the situation. He's taught me to love myself because you can't truly love anyone until you fully love yourself. I have grown into a mature woman that knows what she wants in life.

We fell in love. We fell in love as musicians. We fell in love as friends. We fell in love as lovers of life and the essence of its beauty.

Then one day I got the urge to look through his phone because he started to become very distant. It was hard for me to even go behind his back and do it because I put all my trust in him. He never gave me a reason to not trust him.

I will give you all of my trust until the day you break it, then I will never let you have it nor my time again.

But this time I treated the situation differently. I found that he was texting other girls and all along the lines of "want some company?" and more that made me laugh because it was unbelievable. I immediately started shaking internally and I began to feel my face turn red. I had never been so mad in my life. I trusted him with my all because he never showed me that he was untrustworthy. As the saying goes, ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. Once I confronted him about what I found he said what all people say when the truth comes to light "I didn't think I would get caught". He couldn't give me a reason as to why he did it, so I began to overthink and blame myself for his actions. I felt disrespected, betrayed, disappointed, unloved, disliked, and overall mad. Under all of those hurt feelings, I knew deep down that the person I discovered was not who he truly was. So I stopped being mad and forgave him. I will never forget what he did. I permanently have a wall up towards him now. It may never be torn down again, but deep, deep down I want him to break it down and rescue my heart from this hurt.

I stayed because he was so beautiful on the inside. His mind and heart for people are what initially drew me to him. He's more confident, loving, and present. I'm staying now because of how he is constantly showing his love for me. He shows it more every day. He wants to go out more and experience different things with me. He wants to just lay around and cuddle some days. He wants to hold me whenever he can see me. I stayed because he is showing that he is trying to fix his wrongs and show that he respects me and will never disrespect me or this relationship ever again. He wants a future with me, no matter how scary it may seem to him. I want him to be in my future as well. He wants me.

I just pray that this love I have for him isn't blinding me from the truth and will save me from more heartbreak and wasting my time. But who can tell the future? I just hope this time I made the right decision about not running when I had all the reasons and proof to.