Why I Stopped Using Dating Apps

If you ask me what my “ideal man” is, I’d give you my well polished answer “I’m looking for a strong, "Viking" type guy, tall, with tattoos and a beard."

Until recently I didn’t realise I actually wanted a dedicated, strong willed, passionate and positive guy, one with confidence, who is caring and well mannered. So now if you asked me what I'm looking for in a man, I’d tell you I want someone who will treat me like a princess, but also the fearless, independent queen that I portray.

I want someone who is able to treat my complete being well, I need someone who can empathise with my inner self just as well as keep up with my exterior self.

...

In today’s society I find it so hard to search for the type of person that is going to be compatible with you as a complete being.

Today's society and the current focus on the apps does not help, it's a whole other barrier between two individuals that is used to protect your true, inner self.

No one is walking around being 100 percent themselves, there are shields, walls and fronts that people use to hide and protect their true selves from the world; it just isn't a safe place to be our true selves.

Personally, I relate to this. I have a specific disguise that I unconsciously put on, I wear it all day, everyday. I don’t hate it, but I know that it’s not the true me.

• I portray a strong, independent, intimidating woman. A fearless lioness who is fine being alone, can do her own shit, and will bite your head off if you look at me the wrong way

This is true, to an extent, but that is not who I truly am.

• The true me, the one that hides behind the wild shield I hold up all day, is a sensitive, caring woman who loves attention and affection. I’m really just a little house cat who needs support, love, affection and reassurance.

It took me a long time to figure this out about myself. The saying “fake it until you make it” is so true, I pretended for solong that I forgot I was faking it. I truly love this persona, it keeps me safe in today's cruel world. I love being a strong, independent woman doing my own shit and getting my life together, I thrive on being this woman, and it is truly a part of me, and I pride myself on it.

But...

It’s draining. I have come to realise that my energy is depleted from act I put on everyday. I've also realised that what recharges me is to finally let go of the shield I hold up all day, and allow myself to be vulnerable and accept affection from people in my life.

This vulnerability is very hard to let out, it has to be with someone I trust and am comfortable with, but once I let go of that shield with someone it’s very hard to pick it back up around them.

The point is, everyone has this person inside of them that they are trying to protect from the outside world. To truly know someone you have to know their inner selves, which is so hard to do when we’re all communicating over text or through apps.

This extra layer that we have to work through is impairing our ability to truly get to know someone.

This aspect of today's society is the reason I don’t like the apps.

This is my struggle through life, trying to get to know men who don’t even know themselves, hiding behind texts, snapchats and tinder messages.

This is my battle to try to tame beasts (men) in the wild while trying to maintain my own inner self. And let me tell you, it’s exhausting.