Why I’m Afraid of Love

Yeah, I admit it. I’m scared sh-tless of love. This list made me realize so much and why I might act the way I do. It is now all up to me to actually change this list from “reasons I am” to “reasons I was.”

Daddy Issues

Yeah, this is definitely a go-to reason that everyone might point out. I was raised by a single mom, my dad was never around. Yippee! This one was obvious to me for a long time. I just recently realized that because of this though, the first ever male figure in my life just wasn’t around and set me up for a lot of disappointment. The affects now make me shield myself from all that. I mainly realized however, that if my mom didn’t tolerate bullsh-t, then neither should I. This is a great thing in my opinion, but it does make for a slim picking in the dating world, because most people won’t be up to my standards.

An Independent, Badass Mom

Yeah, like I said, my mom is awesome. She doesn’t tolerate any kinda bullsh-t from anyone. It taught me to do the same. She also taught me the independence part, which is super dope for me. For my future partner, it might be a little daunting however. I always feel guilty when people want to do things for me that I usually do for myself. If your partner is in anyway a nice person, they’ll *want* to help you. I figured out over time that letting them do some little things, like paying for my meal or carrying my bag, will make them feel better. It still seems weird to me that a person wants to love me in little ways, because I feel like I don’t deserve it. I do deserve it though, and that's a fact.

Love is not something I have to earn.

This point is the realization I just recently had. I was going on dates, in relationships, etc., all with the thought that I had to earn their love. I have to be like them, like things they like, enjoy the same hobbies and the list goes on. I thought that by doing everything for them too, I could to make them happy, and sacrificing myself along the way, I’d be happy too. If I wouldn’t want my partner to be unhappy, why would they want me to be unhappy? Why would I treat anyone different (better) than I treat myself? It doesn’t make sense does it? But doing all that made me put it on my list.

Vulnerability

My final point. I realized that vulnerability is so different than what people told me. I thought that sex meant I was putting myself out there and being vulnerable. But it is so much more complicated than that. If I sleep with a person I don’t know, I didn’t feel vulnerable. If I know and really like someone, I felt vulnerable at the sheer thought of sex. Same goes vic versa, if someone wants to get to know me after sex, I feel vulnerable and avoid it. I don’t want to set myself up for rejection, or disappointment. But I realized that in order to love someone, I have to go out of my comfort zone. I thought about the best decisions I’ve ever made in my life. They were always difficult and made me feel very vulnerable. I am working on peeling away my armor and getting rid of that fear of love.

This is my list, what is yours?