Why I’m Not Over It

It's been four months. I know.

Yes, I'm still mad at him for hurting me. It's honestly a process to get up everyday and tell myself I won't let that anger control me that day. That mad isn't the way to live because I'll go nowhere if I can't live with my past, and let go of it. To be honest with you, no I'm not over it. I'm over him. I'm not in love with him. The only thing I feel for him is love as a person, love for my best friend. Because he still is.

But I'm not over what he did to me. How he hurt me. I'm better now than I was two months ago and people think I'm crazy for not being over it because 'it only lasted a few months'. It was only a few months yes, but it was an intense whirlwind of a few months that left my head spinning and my hands grasping at air. They don't understand.

How you give your all to somebody. To fall so fast for them. You're only 15, but you're thinking, I finally know what love means.

You meet him at a party. Nothing actually happens but you spend the whole night sneaking glances at each other, brushing hands. Later that night, he texts you immediately and from there the spark ignites. He's a steady presence in your life. You confide your deepest fears, like how you think he's going to run away like everyone else. He responds with a hug and asking you to be officially his.

You spend holidays together, you meet his family, and you feel like you've finally found people you belonged with. His sister is your best friend. You don't ever think twice that it might end soon. You spend New Years, his birthday, together. He meets your family for your birthday a week later, and the next day you spend the day in the city together for ComicCon. It's one of the best days of your life. It's been the best two months.

And then he's gone. He up and leaves out of nowhere, he throws everything away for someone new and shiny. He gives you bad excuses that you know are lies. You know he got bored. They're together a week later and you don't speak a word to him again after the day you break up.

Three months you spend without him. One day he's there and one day he isn't. It's hard to get used to the absence. You still anticipate his name to pop up, you miss the good morning and goodnight texts. The text just to say he was thinking about you. Your friends get sick of hearing about him and his new girlfriend that he's still with, so you keep it all inside. Every time you see him kiss her you want to scream, to cry. You decide you hate him because that's easier than being hurt and knowing you were played.

Then he texts you. He says he misses his friend, he's sorry that he hurt you, and he knows that you're over now but he doesn't want to lose you completely. That you're the best friend he's ever had.

This helps you move on. You're relieved to let go of your hurt and anger, and you two become true best friends again. You've learned how to live without him, so having him back as a friend doesn't make you miss the relationship.

You start dating someone new. Your ex leaves the girl he left you for. Then, the biggest disaster of your life happens. Your house, his house, floods in the worst natural disaster in your state for decades. As you're trying to piece back your life, he's the one you're looking to. Not your new boyfriend. You're blowing up his phone to make sure he's alive. He's offering to come and rescue you. You lean on eachother and without him you might've lost your mind.

Your new boyfriend doesn't know how to comfort you through this. He doesn't get you. You find yourself pulling away from him.

Meanwhile, your best friend is there. Even while he has nowhere to live, he's coming over to check on you. Helping you rebuild. He and a group of friends come over and you make the most out of a bad situation and he makes you forget all of your troubles. He knows how to comfort you.

Just like at the party almost a year ago, you're looking at each other. You're laughing. Your hands are brushing, and before you know it, you're holding hands. Neither of you acknowledges it but you lean just a little closer to each other. Your friends notice something is up but they're nice enough not to say anything.

Later, when he leaves, you nervously wait for a text. You're not disappointed. He misses you. You miss him. And although you're nervous to be let down again, you think he's grown up. That he's matured. That he wouldn't hurt you again the way he did before.

The next time he comes over, you kiss. And it feels like everything is sliding into place. That one kiss makes you feel like everything can be forgotten.

You break up with your boyfriend and give him the same stupid excuses that your ex gave you from before.

He comes back. You think he's finally realized you're the one, that you're meant to be. You tell him he can't hurt you this time. That if he does, you're going to be fucked up. That you won't bounce back right away. That he needs to be sure before you do this again.

He says it took losing you to realize he needed you. That it was always you and that's why he's come back. You're elated. You have him to lean on during the worst times of your life. You talk for a few months before deciding to be 'official.'

But... you can't trust him. You try, you do. Yet you're over-analyzing every interaction. You try to tell yourself he really will stay this time even as you constantly worry he'll go.

You spend the entire time unsure, checking behind him because he keeps betraying the trust you're trying so hard to give him. But you stay. You stay because you love him. Even though everyone thinks you're stupid for ever taking him back. Even when he defends his ex girlfriend who harasses you and makes your life miserable. When he flirts with all his friends that are girls because you know that's who he is and you knew that going in. You stay because you guys are making progress. It’s slow, but one day you know it'll be worth it.

He doesn't have the same patience you do. He doesn't think you're worth it. He gets bored. Again. And he leaves. He's already talking to someone, someone he said he never would like, someone who was there the whole time. Yet again, you were the one who cared more.

And you know this isn't about you, or her even. It's about him. He's the problem. But the rug has been ripped out from under you again, again when you're most vulnerable and just gotten used to him being there again.

Last time, it was days after your birthday. This time it's a week before Christmas when you've both already bought gifts.

You're 17 and you've been in love with this boy for a year and a half now. It’ll be two by the time you’re finally over it.

He leaves you crying in a room five minutes before first period when he tells you he was never even in love with you.