Why I’m Still Single (Pt. 1)

This is going to be a long journey, so grab your favourite drink and enjoy!

I get told a lot from strangers if I’m taken or am I in a relationship and when I say no, they go stunned and surprised and ask why and even guys have the same expression too. I always feel like it’s me that’s the issue, I always feel that I’m not attracted enough or I’m not skinny and good looking and it’s been haunting me since it all began when I was in my early 20s.

So in my early 20s, I didn’t really make an effort, I didn’t wear much makeup and I was just natural looking with a simple style. I didn’t have a job till I was 22, so that must’ve been the reason. I remember being attracted to this one guy and now looking back I think to myself WHAT WAS I ON! Not in a mean way, but just in a way of why did my attraction grow strong for this person when we were just friends? I remember telling my friends about it and I remember so much that happened in a short few months that it ended on a bad note and I remember getting upset of thinking I’ve lost this person and the real feeling of being rejected.

In my mind, I remember the first thing to do was to lose weight, so while I was starting my job in retail, I remember making myself having no breakfast, drinking four or five cups of coffee, having a big bag of cheap Dorito crips on my lunch break, and my main dinner later. This would be every day for a good couple of months and in a month of doing it, I began to lose weight. It wasn’t to attract the guy I got rejected from, it was because I was thinking I wasn’t skinny enough for men in general and the rejection also started my fear of approaching men because I was feared of having another rejection.

While I was trying to move on from this situation, a month or so later, I stumbled on another guy who I thought was attractive and I couldn’t help but get the nervous smile if ever someone mentioned him. Then later on, news got around and that’s when things became a little awkward, but I saw it as a misunderstanding, but the guy didn’t see it that way but we both still managed to get past it and move on.

While I was trying to move on from the other situation and having this misunderstanding situation, I just felt like giving up on men because I found that men at that time to be difficult and closed off towards me. It made me feel closed off from men for a while and I didn’t know how to be around them or have a general conversation because I was scared of rejection and misunderstood.

I then decided to keep myself away from men for a while because my confidence was low, but after a while, I came across a guy who I liked for four years and in that time, we had a great friendship together. But in the past two years, he started to manipulate me and led me on and went off with someone much older and that hit me hard... after growing the confidence to talk to men to now have it thrown back in my face, that’s when I lost all hope and when a few days went by this is where I go through a journey that carried on happening repeatedly.

Part two coming soon.