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Why It Took Me so Long to Realize I Was in a Toxic Relationship

Infatuation blinds us to red flags.

By Mary KatePublished 6 years ago 4 min read
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For seven months, I believed my toxic partner was "the one".

I remember the list of requirements I had before my first serious relationship. There were things I did not like, and then there were things that I would straight-up not put up with. Dealbreakers.

I disliked burping. I would not accept being nudged into a career or life path that did not make me happy.

Then, there were red flags. Flags I had learned about from watching marriages deteriorate in my family and suffering paternal emotional manipulation. This will never happen to me, I thought. I have my lists. I'll be on guard.

And then the most unpredictable thing happened: a young man took my hand and pulled me into a serious relationship before I could even identify how I truly felt.

He was incredible. He was the perfect boyfriend. He said all the right things, had all the right opinions, and knew what I wanted to hear. Our relationship had to be the best relationship in human history. It was perfect. He was perfect.

A little too perfect.

Have you ever heard the Taylor Swift song "Dear John?" In this mournful ballad, Swift recites the words "Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone. Don't you think I was too young to be messed with?" I could not relate more to a lyric. It happens all too often that people in bad relationships struggle constantly to preserve them, even allowing themselves to become the victims of unhealthy behaviors in order to keep the peace. It was not until my relationship crashed and burned in a mess of screaming flames that I noticed how many red flags I saw and purposely ignored, and how many things on my beloved lists I had settled against in the name of love.

Here are the reasons it took me so long to recognize the toxic behavior in the John I dated. Perhaps it will assist you in keeping your eyes open in the future.

1. He came on strong from the start.

Never in my life had I heard so frequently and passionately the amount and severity of compliments John gave me. "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen." His attitude was one of deep admiration right from the get-go. Instead of stopping to ponder at the wonder of a man falling so deeply in love with me in a couple of weeks, I eagerly received his praise and thought I had found someone who truly appreciated me. Even when John no longer acted like his past self, I clung to this version of him and convinced myself that it was the real one. After all, how could someone who loved me so much from the start want to hurt me, right?

2. He made glorious promises.

And I trusted him to keep them. "I'll do little things to surprise you all the time," "I'll finish uni with you," "I want to bring you flowers," "I'll take you to Europe."

How dreamy! John sounded like the most incredible, devoted boyfriend.

Emphasis on sounded. Not acted.

3. He played a game of push-and-pull.

John was a tough guy to figure out, always flipping between hot and cold. One moment, he would be all over me, showering me with compliments and affection, and the next, he would be silent for three days, and not even crack a smile during our next conversation.

During these dry periods, John would often be incredibly friendly with other girls, helping them work through their feelings and purposely calling them things such as "wife material" right in front of me. I did not recognize the ridiculousness of these gestures, of course-- they only made me crave his attention more, just as he wanted.

4. He always had a good excuse.

Poor John. He always seemed to have so many problems. There was always an issue popping up with his health or his family or his bills. Of *course* I couldn't expect his full attention or devotion. He was just so stressed and had so much going on. For months.

5. He played nice after a fight.

John would never apologize or admit he wronged me, but, boy, he sure would give me the sweetest smile after getting riled up and telling me how crazy I was. After a fight, John loved to speak softly in sweet nothings and hope I would forget all that transpired.

6. He worked at polishing his good reputation.

John loved to tell me about the nice things he always seemed to be doing. He told me about drunk girl he spent three hours talking to at the bar, helping her pull her life back together. His advice was so good, in fact, that she asked him out-- but lucky me, he turned her down. Phew! Almost lost this gem of a guy. John found a dead bird on the street and gently buried it next to a tree at the local park. John donated to help the fight against malaria. John told his friend to treat his women better. Funny how John loved to inform me of all of his good deeds, yet I rarely saw one in action.

What can be done?

It's an old cliche, but if something seems too good to be true, it probably is. This is no exception when it comes to dating. Look for signs that you are not a priority in your partner's life, and do not make excuses for their bad behavior. By remaining keen to unhealthy signs even in the midst of infatuation, you can spare yourself a lot of time and energy in heartbreak when your relationship inevitably falls apart.

dating
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About the Creator

Mary Kate

I like the arts, the ice, and the cats of this world

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