Why Me?

Another question I constantly ask myself is: why me? Why do I have to feel the way I do? Why can't my mind take control over the pain so that I can be happy again? I don't even remember what it's like to be completely happy... until I am around my best friend.

My best friend is my lover; the one who holds my heart, my partner in crime (literally), my world, my reason to get up every day. I only keep going strong for him. I push my depression and anxiety aside for him, so he can see me happy, so that he knows he makes a difference in my life. But why has he chosen me? Why does he take time out of his busy schedule to make sure I have a smile on my face? I really don't know the answers to these questions. Every day, I wonder why he wants to stay with me. I have even tried pushing him out because I know he deserves better than this lousy and depressed piece of shit. I don't want him out of my life, whatsoever, but I want him to be happy and not have to deal with someone who can't find happiness in herself.

I know he loves me, he reassures me every day because I feel like I don't deserve him, let alone deserve a life. I know he loves me because every time he talks about his future, I'm involved. He wants a life with me, he actually wants a life with me! This is what keeps me going every day, knowing that I have someone who would do anything to see me smile. My love for him doesn't compare to anything else in the world, but I still tell myself I don't deserve someone so wonderful and caring. I have a tendency of putting myself down because I don’t think I deserve anything. He lives a couple hours away right now, due to school, so whenever we get a chance to FaceTime or talk over the phone, he makes sure that my day is going okay. We’ve been together for over three years now, and he doesn’t ever get tired of making my day better. He is the one person in the world, who truly doesn’t want to see me disappointed with my life.

Every bad thing in my life goes away when I see him, when I'm with him. He never fails to make me feel happy again. The world revolves around us. We are two souls intertwined that can never be separated. When we cuddle, my body fits perfectly with his, like a puzzle. His lips are so hard not to kiss. His warm hugs make me feel safe. His eyes, his smile, his hair and everything about him makes me feel like the luckiest girl on the planet. Every time I look at him, I fall in love over and over again. I feel a spiritual connection with him. I don't know if he feels this way in particular, but I do because he's helped me through so much that I feel like we have created a really special spiritual bond. To be loved by someone who wants to help you with your emotional and physical problems, is the greatest feeling in the world. He is so encouraging, and he is definitely brave for being in love with a broken girl like me.

Everyone deserves love, no matter what they think about themselves or what others say. Love is a beautiful thing and we all deserve to be happy. I believe that my boyfriend was sent from above to teach me that I am important and that I have a purpose in life.

Thank you, sweetheart.