Why Not Marriage? (Pt. 1)

I looked out the window, deep in thoughts as to why I would have the same dream over and over. Well, not literally the same, but it’s always about the same thing: Me getting married. It’s like my subconscious is playing a game with me. I don’t like marriages. Don’t get me wrong, it is nice when two people who love each other take that courage and decide to stay together forever. I like seeing people in love and it makes me happy. Happy for them because their happily ever after is about to start, and though it might be rough, they want to face it together. But for me, I don’t think it is there or if I will ever find it. In short, I want to see everyone I love happily married, but still stay a coward and not give it a chance. Yes, I admit that I am a coward.

“Knock! Knock! Is anyone in there?” my best friend Grace said, knocking my head with her fist.

“Auuch! That hurts G! What was that for?”

“Hello, you were out blanking in space. What are you thinking about now this early in the morning?”

I did not answer that and kept staring at my friend, as she did the same, trying to figure me out. She was always good at it anyway. She is that kind of friend who knows you better than yourself.

“Ooh no not again. Did you have a dream again? About…”

“Yes and yes, G.” I knew what she was referring to.

The strange part about the dreams is that it’s always a stranger who I don’t know, and sometimes I get to meet them in real life, which actually freaks me out. Talk of meeting the man of your dreams, literally. For my first dream, I haven’t met the guy yet, but the second dream, I did see the guy. You probably are curious to know about the dream and how I met this “man of my dreams.”

So the dream, well, it starts off like any other dream you know. It was night and I was tired so I went to sleep—nothing special. Have you ever had a dream where it’s about you, you are there, and also still there like a third party just watching? In this dream, I am a married woman with a son, but about to get a divorce. I had accused the guy, “my husband,” of marrying me just for money, which wasn’t the case, and I could feel the me who is there just watching, telling herself that it's typical of me—since I really couldn’t believe that there is a guy that actually loves me a lot and wouldn’t hurt me for anything in the world.

The feeling of being in love was so real and deep, and how hurt I felt watching him, walking away, just when I was about to let go of it all and go after him. I woke up before I could make it right in my dream. I was so shaken and taken aback by my feelings. It was so strong and I couldn’t believe that I could love someone, anyone that much. I wanted to go back in the dream and win back my man, which is so unlike me. I guess it was the aftermath of the dream and everything, but I was really troubled the whole day and was in no mood to go anywhere. But you know how it is, just when you are never in the mood for something, that’s when it happens.

My auntie called saying there was a wedding we're supposed to attend and I complained, saying I wasn’t ready, not feeling well, and everything I could think of, but none of it worked. They were already on their way to my apartment to pick me up. So I thought maybe it wasn’t so bad, weddings are nice, merry, and just the right thing to lift my moods. Besides, there was going to be cake and I love cake. I put on a long-sleeved navy blue blouse, a white skirt, and a black belt to top it. Honestly, I looked very attractive and beautiful with everything bringing out my curves just the way I wanted. The silver necklace with a blue snowflake as a pendant hung beautifully on my neck and I topped it all up with short navy blue high heel boots.

Okay, back to the wedding. We got there on time, just as it was about to begin. The groom was already there, waiting for his lovely bride to make her entrance. We had a place reserved for us, just right at the front. Everyone knows what happens and how the wedding goes, so I will skip that part. It wasn’t a big wedding, but a great and interesting one. The reception was right in the same place. So I got my food and sat down to eat and there he was, the “man of my dream.” He was dressed in a black tuxedo with a red tie. He looked a little bit older than I am, three to four years maybe. He was in line going for his food while talking to an elderly lady, showing off his charm and the beautiful smile. I couldn’t help but stare.

That’s when he looked over the lady and our eyes met. I remember my heart pounding so fast I could barely breathe. He kept staring into my eyes for about a minute until he had to move along in line. I couldn’t tell what that was because I was in confusion and a lot of questions were running through my mind. How is this even possible? Does this mean I really am going to get married? Is it with that guy? Why did he stare at me like that? Did he perhaps dream about me too? That really scared me a lot. I spent the rest of the evening trying to avoid him, and for some reason, he also was avoiding me. He stole a stare at me once in a while as he mingled with everyone else, and I know that because I was doing the same thing.

At some point, we were so close, but I hadn’t realized it because I was so into the music that was playing and just moving a little to the beat. Yet not even a word was passed between us. Feelings were all mixed up in the air and I could feel the awkwardness. And right at that moment, my aunt came to say we were leaving. I was relieved somehow and can’t really tell what the other feeling was. So I took my coat and turned for one last look before I left, and that was the last time I saw him, “the man of my dream.”

I know you are probably thinking that I should have said something or should have tried having a light conversation with the guy, that maybe he is my one true love and we were meant to be together or something. Yeah, my best friend beat me up for that too when I told her about the whole experience. But as I said, I am coward and cannot confront something like love and relationships head-on; it leads to marriage at one point. Why am I such a coward ,you ask? I will get to that part later on.