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As a relationship writer, I get a lot of questions about love from just about everyone. I get questions from married men, single women, people in almost-relationships, and more. I've heard scandals, stories, and more confessions than I know what to do with. Such is the life of a love writer, I suppose.
Of all the questions I get, one of the most common ones I field from men is the Nice Guy Question. Usually, it's asked in the following way:
"I've done such nice things for girls. I'm a nice guy. Why aren't women attracted to me? Why do they go after jerks?"
Most guys can't figure out why women aren't attracted to nice guys. In fact, most men have, at one point or another, uttered the phrase, "Nice guys finish last" as a way to explain their dating problems, single statuses, and more.
The concept of women not finding nice guys attractive is insanely common as a belief. In fact, it's become enmeshed in our culture. It's a movie trope, a rom-com classic, and some guys actually will go out of their way to say they are nice guys because of it.
What most men don't understand is that women do find nice guys attractive; but they don't find Nice Guys attractive in the least bit. Though they may think they see the difference, the truth is that the vast majority of single guys I've met don't.
Or rather, they can't. Here's why women aren't attracted to Nice Guys, but why they do tend to fawn over guys who are nice.
What is a Nice Guy?
In order to understand why women aren't attracted to Nice Guys, you need to know what a Nice Guy is.
A Nice Guy is a man who is nice for the sake of getting a girl's number. He prides himself on being a gentleman—sort of. Rather, he's not really a gentleman. He believes that being polite or going out of his way means that he will get a girlfriend or sex.
He's a doormat of sorts, primarily because he's worried that anything he says even remotely sideways could upset girls and make them walk away. He doesn't really show his real personality. He is often insecure, and has very unrealistic ideas about how courtship really works.
In other words, a Nice Guy is a person who tends to view women as dating sims. To a Nice Guy, a woman's interest or attraction to him doesn't really factor into the equation. Moreover, they tend to believe that love should involve a "fair chance," even though they themselves wouldn't give an unattractive girl a chance.
Nice Guys often believe that manners or employment alone entitles them to a date. They often lack social skills. Simply put, they are guys who were raised on badly written, cliche rom-coms and believe that they are how dating should work.
Now, you might already notice a lot of reasons why women wouldn't want to date a Nice Guy. However, it's really important to dish out every aspect of it in detail so that you get a full understanding about why Nice Guys aren't dateable in most women's eyes.
First off, Nice Guys aren't actually nice.
Women are attracted to kind men - especially when they are looking for a long-term relationship. They want to be with a guy who supports them, will be there for them, and puts them first.
The problem is that Nice Guys aren't really nice. They're only polite because they want to be self-serving. To make matters worse, most women already realize what the guy's game is because he will give insanely preferential (or even exaggerated) treatment to attractive women over everyone else.
That alone comes off fake, which in turn means that girls already know that he really doesn't care about them at all. He's just looking to get what he thinks he's entitled to; and that's really not attractive.
After all, who wants to have a boyfriend who would base his kindness on your attractiveness? Moreover, guys who are only kind when it suits their agenda will likely end up being very selfish, uncaring boyfriends who will likely bail when they get sick of a girl. It's not an attractive look—at all.
Real good guys are nice to everyone equally, and are polite with everyone. That alone is very rare, and shows that they are legitimately kind rather than just trying to get sex nicely. They never assume women aren't attracted to nice guys, primarily because they know that the guys girls hate are not nice at all.
The problem with the brand of "nice" that Nice Guys show isn't just that it's fake and self-serving. Rather, it's insanely painful for a woman to deal with. If they deal with that kind of "nice" too often, then it's very possible girls will get burned out from all the guys they speak to.
In many cases, they will go so far as to befriend a woman in hopes that she will have sex with him. When it becomes clear that he's not getting a date, he ghosts, lashes out at her, or even gets violent. A truly nice guy would never do that—especially not to a friend.
That's horrible, isn't it? Could you imagine what it's like to find out that your friends only hung out with you because they wanted your money, or your assets? It's the same concept, only on a lot more intimate level. If you think about it, there's little wonder why women aren't attracted to Nice Guys; it's a matter of self-preservation.
To make matters worse, no one wants to date a doormat.
No one—guys or girls—will not want to date someone who's a total doormat. It's boring, and if you want to get an opinion out of them, it can turn into an infuriating process. When you're with a doormat, you can never tell what they're really thinking or feeling until they blow up.
Assuming that the Nice Guy in question is too afraid to be assertive, they often will turn into pushovers until they're inadvertently pushed too far. Then, they explode. It's not fun.
Women want guys who are assertive. This means that he can establish boundaries and stand his ground with you. Nice Guys won't do that, but nice people will.
Many Nice Guys also criticize the very flaws they themselves have in dates.
Though this isn't always the case, many Nice Guys tend to have standards that they themselves wouldn't fit. They often will insist on a girl who has a thin waist when they don't have a fit body. They may demand to have a girl who has a job and car, while they are unemployed. Or, they may want a nice girl when they themselves are quick to call women "whores" online.
See my drift?
When girls have high standards, most men will tell them that they are "too picky," even when their standards are fairly reasonable. Even so, most women still are fairly rational and won't look for someone who's really outside of their league.
Nice Guys tend to assume they deserve a solid model-standard girl–and will call girls who are not interested in them "shallow." What's sad about this is that there are plenty of women guys overlook who would date these Nice Guys—but those guys won't date them because they aren't "sexy" enough.
That double standard alone provides plenty of explanation about why women aren't attracted to Nice Guys, but it gets worse than that. It gets way worse.
There's also the issue that Nice Guys often act like the world owes them something.
As much as it pains me to say, the world owes no one anything. In fact, there's no real guarantee that you'll end up married, or even having sex. Many people die alone. Many even will die virgins. Nothing is guaranteed—not for men or women.
Most women are very well-aware that the world doesn't owe them a husband. In fact, it's something that women even discuss in support groups when they get too frustrated. If women whine, they're quickly shot down and called "psycho." I ought to know, I've gone through the grieving process of knowing that I'll probably never be married. I've walked that road.
Incidentally, it's the expectation that women need to cope while being single while guys just stamp their feet for a girlfriend (or sex) that infuriates so many women. It's such a double standard!
If women are regularly told guys don't owe them commitment, why do so many guys seem to think they're owed sex or a woman just for being "nice?" What's the difference here?
Perhaps one of the ugliest feelings in the world is feeling like you owe someone something. Nice Guys are geniuses at eliciting this feeling, and that's why women aren't attracted to Nice Guys. They don't like the guilt trip, the "you owe me" attitude, or the fact that they seem to think sex is an obligation.
Lastly, Nice Guys don't see dates as human.
Remember when I told you that they don't really have normal dating expectations? Well, part of the reason why that is, is due to the way that the guys see girls.
From what I've seen, a lot of guys have been basically taught that they are owed a girlfriend. They also are taught that girls can be "hacked" or manipulated into dating. Basically, they view girls more like dating simulations or props than they do people.
The truth is that there are two ways to objectify someone. The most obvious way is to devalue them until all you care about is one or two traits. Nice Guys tend to do this with girls, too. The other way is to idolize them and put them on a pedestal—and all Nice Guys are guilty of this.
If you want to have a healthy relationship, you have to see your partner as a human being with feelings, goals, friends, and desires. The guys women find attractive do that. The ones who don't are the Nice Guys who often stay single.
See the difference now? That's why women aren't attracted to Nice Guys, but why they are attracted to guys who treat them nicely.