Why Won't Millennials Get Married?

Recently, I’ve noticed a huge spike in the amounts of videos, poems, and articles about how millennials—and I use this term cautiously, since it is often used to infantilize a generation of people who could be well into their thirties—are no longer interested in love.

Baby Boomers and the nostalgic children of today wonder why we want someone to take pictures with, to go on lunch dates with, and be our plus ones to weddings but don’t want to actually commit to relationships.

The truth is, despite what you may want to believe, love does not make the world go around. Compassion, perhaps, but not love. Too often for us millennials, love was a bribe, a promise rarely kept by people who wanted to buy our complacency.

My parents’ generation taught me a lot about love. Most explicitly, what I don’t want in love. They taught me that platonic, familial love is conditional, the conditions usually involving a conformist sexuality or gender identity, and a dismissive attitude about racist institutions in a capitalist society. They taught me that to love someone is to view them as property, making life-changing decisions for them and then acting offended when those decisions take root in their heart and blossom into resentment.

But of course, you guys mean romantic love, don’t you? Why won’t millennials get married already? Why won’t kids these days just get in committed relationships, fulfill all The Notebook-esque love fantasies we were all promised?

I’ll tell you why.

I grew up on Disney movies, of beautiful (white) princesses, with impossible waistlines, and delicate features, that told me, “Hey, if you just look like me, you’ll find your oh-so-perfect Prince Charming.” And so, at 12, I starved myself, hoping Thomas from history class might pay attention to me if my belly didn’t jiggle every time I walked. He didn’t, and I still have to set reminders on my phone to eat.

I grew up on movies that told me if I fell in love, all my problems would be solved, that magically everything would feel okay, even if it wasn’t, if only we had each other. So, I kissed Raj from dance club, feeling incredibly underwhelmed by the feel of his chapped lips against my glossed ones, but still cried myself to sleep when I went home, and my mom slammed my head against the counter for saying I was tired. I have yet to find a love that solves anything.

I grew up being told that love conquers all, that it could transform a beast into a prince. So, I loved a boy with every shard of my heart and watched him use his own affection as a currency, trading it in for unquestionable loyalty and obedience. Turns out, my love was more expensive than that.

And yet, the older generation wants to tell me that “hook-up culture” is toxic, that sexual gratification without the emotional expense of relationships is a crime, that loving yourself isn’t real love.

So, to answer your question: Why has this generation “forgotten” how to love?

Because we’re the first generation to learn that when a relationship becomes toxic, when it drains every ounce of soul from your body, you’re not obligated to stay in it. Even if it’s been years, even if it’s salvageable, you have more to gain in life than the love of someone who probably just doesn’t want to pay for a therapist.

Because as a generation, we are learning to accept that love isn’t the end-all-be-all of life. We are slowly embracing that you can be successful, even happy beyond your wildest dreams, without romantic love; that you can find fulfillment in pursuing your dreams, in your familial relationships, and not feel like there’s something missing in your life.

Because Millennials don’t need your love to be change the world.

Because we’re learning to love ourselves.