Wisteria

Life is too short to not see the beauty in things, too short to allow something deemed as "ugly" to go completely ignored or abandoned. Living by this taught me to appreciate the good in the bad, no matter how hard it can be to do so. I was able to be patient with people, to try to know them before judging them too harshly. I had to weed out the bad qualities and find the good ones in order to do this.

Little did I know that this left me vulnerable and sort of a pushover. I made up excuses for people, thinking maybe their attitude or actions could be justified if they were just having a bad day or going through a breakup or something. It didn't really hit me until I started dating James.

The Relationship

I met James at community college while I was still dating my ex who was across the country. At this point, I was used to a long distance relationship where I wouldn't see my boyfriend for four or five months at a time, but I lacked the experience of ever being in another serious relationship before that.

Going into college and meeting new people made me wonder if there was more out there for me. Don't get me wrong, I loved my ex insanely. He treated me like absolute royalty. He was my best friend, my shoulder to cry on, my soulmate (or so I thought).

I saw James for the first time when we were both out in the college courtyard. I couldn't stop staring at him and eventually he caught on. We had a good amount of mutual friends and eventually we were introduced. It didn't take long (maybe two weeks) until I admitted I had a crush on him. Still, I had a boyfriend and he was just exiting a long distance relationship at the time. He wasn't held back by it, but I was. Cheat on my boyfriend? I didn't want to stoop that low.

Then my uncle died. One month later, another. It was my dad's brother first, who was killed by a bike messenger during a fight outside a building my uncle was the super of.

My mom's brother was next, and it was from liver failure. During this time I was a mess. First semester of college, plus a job, plus two deaths in the family. I felt alone and desperate for emotional support. That's where James came in. He was there for me, a person that wouldn't just comfort me over the phone, but in person. Someone that was able to hold me...and kiss me...and then have sex with me. The words "I love you" were said not long after and we both realized that we wanted to be in a relationship.

I ended up breaking my ex's heart into tiny little pieces. He deserved the truth, so I told him. It killed me inside, hearing him cry over the phone as his world went crashing down around him.

James did his best to keep my mind off it though. I was always over his house or out to eat with him. His dark humor and my ability to play along, adapt, and then take it on as my own brought us closer and closer together. We both loved Lord of the Rings and Phantom of the Opera, and he REALLY got me into Doctor Who. And one big plus; the sex was AMAZING. He was my boyfriend and my best friend and I was never happier.

Months went by, things were still going great. His parents really liked me, which was good. It's not easy impressing traditional Asian parents if you're not Asian. One thing that threw me off was James having mainly female friends.

I was the jealous type and it was hard to shake off. That was something that bothered him. He would call me out on my jealousy constantly as well as my overbearing emotions. I soon started to remember words he said toward the beginning of the relationship. During a conversation, he 'jokingly' said he was a sociopath, a narcissist, a psychopath. I didn't take it seriously until I saw that the signs were actually there.

Crying. I did so much crying. I was constantly hurt by the endless arguing, insults, and lies. He told me once that I was fat, that I had gained weight since we started dating and that he didn't want to have sex as much. Then he would complain that I didn't take my shirt off while we were having it.

He would say something to me and then I would bring it up another time only to have him completely deny that he ever said it. He made me feel like I was the crazy one, like I was being completely irrational for feeling the way I felt. He told me that he was never changing and that I was more than welcome to leave if I couldn't accept that. And like a fool, I stayed.

"Why are you still with him?" The question I would constantly hear from my friends. At this point, I was completely reliant on him for any feeling of normalcy in my life. Us hanging out, having fun, and his abuse, were all part of my routine.

It couldn't be broken or I'd lose my mind. I was always buying him things, hoping that it would make him happy and want me more. At the immediate moment, it did make him happy. He would always say "Aww, thanks, sweetie," and kiss me. I held on for the fun, for the crazy sex, for having someone there regardless of how they treated me. I held onto the good amongst all the ugly. No one understands how much I loved James. No one but myself.

Wisteria. It's a beautiful plant with purple blooms. Only, it's actually a weed. Wisteria grows fast. It can take over any garden and destroy it. I let the wisteria grow in my garden.

I was blinded by its beauty and couldn't see the damage it was doing to the daisies, the roses, the mums. He was that wisteria. He spread like sweet poison in my veins and I refused to take the antidote. I tell you this story in past tense, yet I have to admit that I am still with him.

One day I know I will have the strength to regrow my garden after ripping out the beautiful, terrible weeds. For now, I let the wisteria grow.

Please, don't ever give it a chance to. Don't be like me.