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Born in the year 1991 brought different tides into my life, I don't remember much of my younger years. Some here and there around the age of seven and eight but nothing before then and not much after. My life seemed to pass by rather quickly, filled with right choices, wrong choices and just flat out confusion that seemed to appear out of nowhere, some would think life is grand that there isn't much that could go wrong in their life. They continue the same patterns day in and day out, same car ride or bus ride every day.
Some grew up with money, some grew up without and then you have those in the middle who seemed to have such enough to get by. Those middle and lower classes get looked down upon in either disgust or hatred, for reasons that still remain unclear to me. I grew up unstable, I was moved from home to home, school to school, friend after friend and bully after bully. Now I'm sure you're thinking: "Foster child..or even military." Sadly, You wouldn't even be close to the truth.
My mother and I bounced from home to home, myself from one school to another, I was lucky if I stayed in one place for more than a year. Her boyfriends were constant, ever changing yet always the same. Pill heads, drunks, child and woman beaters, drug addicts to name a few. My younger years were filled with fear, filled with what ifs and why me. I remember taking my time coming home from school just to avoid any fights that may take place, I'd vanish where ever and when ever I could just to escape.
I came to my mothers rescue many times growing up. I remember standing in front of her clearly one day while her boyfriend at the time held a gun towards her head, I remember beating another with a baseball bat while he was choking her, I remember my own abuse... Being held up by my throat against a wall, being pinned down against a bed while I was beaten with a belt or pinned against the counter and slapped across the face.
Now I'm sure you're wondering where my father was during all this, like most people in today's world...I didn't know my father, he refused to have anything to do with me growing up until I reached the age of twelve then again when I was sixteen, every few years he would appear. He would tell me lies and then disappear again. I didn't get to really know him until around the time I fell pregnant with my son..but that's another story for another time I suppose.
My life was surrounded by drug addicts and drunks, sadly even some of my friends and relationships displayed the very same behavior I had learned from my mother, I've spent many a night trying to figure out a way to change my life, to make it better while I was younger but any chance that came along my mother was determined to break and shatter the very best she could.
I remember hearing about my Aunt and Uncle wanting to take me in when I was a new born, offering to even give my mother money for me but she refused, I still hate her to this day for it. I could have had a better upbringing, stronger and more stable than she gave me. I won't lie, the first three years of my life she did the best she could but then she seemed to just give up. I remember being nine and ten years old cooking my own meals, doing my own laundry, no help with homework because my mother would sleep away the day or sit on the couch watching TV the entire time.
I remember her cooking was TV dinners out of the freezer or the classic PBJ with grape jelly because I was never allowed the strawberry, that was hers and hers alone. I remember going days without eating because I couldn't stand the food at home let alone at school.
My world changed when I entered High School. I had gone to Church for the first time and met someone that completely changed my view on life. In the beginning where I saw only gray clouds and rain drops there were suddenly rainbows and bright sun shine drying up my cloudy day. Now I know you're surely thinking I found God, sad to say you're wrong once again. I never found God, He really hasn't done much in my life to prove to me he's even real. No, she goes by Ciarra and she's been the second greatest thing to ever happen in my life.
I grew to fear a rising hand, even done so in help, I still flinch and move away, I've suffered so much in my life that I had no trust in anyone until she came along, I have no fear with her, I have no sinking feeling that the world is going to come crashing around me. With her, anything and everything is possible. My entire world changed the moment she walked into my life, seemingly quiet and unnoticed by those around her.
All except for me that is, I noticed her the moment I entered the room. Something about her drew me in, her very stance screamed safety, her eyes, ever beautiful then as they are today told me that I would be loved and cherished. I remember her touch for the first time, the way my skin tingled and my brain fizzled out. I remember thinking that I could turn to goo at any moment and there'd be nothing anyone could do.
Days had passed before I saw her again and I feared that my strong emotions to this women would have disappeared without a trace but my fears were unfounded. As soon as I laid eyes upon her again my world lit up like a fire cracker exploding on the fourth of July. It wasn't long before I learned I couldn't hide behind the mask I created when around her. She could draw an honest answer out of me quicker than a needle could blood, even when I didn't want her to know the truth.
There was a period of time in my life where we didn't contact each other. Having lost touch over time and my moving once again. I had relationships during this time, all of which began or even ended horribly. I never truly felt safe or wanted during this time and my depression continued to grow.
It wasn't until I finally moved back to my hometown that I laid eyes on her once again and like twice before my world exploded into a ball of light. I was much older now and truly knew what these emotions I was feeling mean. I let them continue to grow stronger and stronger.
We now enter the year 2017. Twenty-five years I've been walking upon this planet. I now have a three-year-old son and Ciarra is still alive and well in my life, more so than anything or anyone else. Our feelings have grown stronger over the years and life is finally going the right path..like I said before. With her, Anything is possible...