Words I Couldn't Say

I was never the one to express my emotions very well, and that’s possibly why we never ended up together in the past. The fact of the matter is that we were never just friends. There was always something more between us. I felt it and so did you. The problem was that I was too afraid to admit it in fear of ruining what I believed to be one of the best friendships I’ve had. Now I find myself staying up at night with my mind fixated on the “what ifs” and “should haves”. I should have been honest with myself and my feelings. I should have told you how I felt the very moment that you asked me. What if that was the only chance we had? A couple of years have past, and the words I’ve been wanting to say to you are still left unsaid.

Meeting you in seventh grade was the biggest blessing I could have asked for. It was the beginning of something complicated yet so special. Even back then I knew I wanted to be with you. Becoming friends with you was easy, but being able to transition that into something more was a bit of a challenge for us. It always has been. Timing was never our best friend.

Then junior year rolled around. I can remember distinctively the day when I asked you to be my date for prom. I was nervous. Nervous that you would reject me which was my greatest fear when it came to you. But you didn’t, even when we hadn’t spoken to each other for over a year. You were full of surprises. That’s one of the things I loved about you.

We would hang out almost every weekend until it was time for prom, and by then my feelings for you resurfaced. Seeing you stand at the edge of the driveway wearing a tux left me speechless. At that moment I knew I was the luckiest girl at prom and throughout the night you proved me to be right. You were the perfect gentleman. You gave me your jacket to wear when I would get cold, danced with me whenever I wanted to, and most of all you gave me your full attention. At the end of the night, we went back to a friend’s house to hang out by the pool. You and I were off to the side, cuddled up in blankets. As we were laying beside each other, you asked me a question that caught me off guard.

“Do you like me?”

Little did you know that a few hours prior to this, a friend of ours had told me that you only thought of me as a friend. It was the perfect opportunity to tell you how I felt, but instead I denied it and laughed it off. I knew if I told you the truth, I wouldn’t be able to take it back. I just couldn’t risk it.

We continued to go on with our lives as good friends, but my feelings for you never truly went away.

Then the inevitable happened. We both graduated high school and went our separate ways to college. Despite that, you still found the time to spend with me whenever you were in town, whether that’d be drinking disgustingly burnt coffee at Starbucks or lounging around at my apartment. All was well. Then you shattered my heart into a million pieces by kissing and attempting to hook up with my roommate who was also my best friend at the time.

We went months without talking, but then out of the blue, you texted me. I never knew a guy could text a novel like you did, especially with an apology. I accepted your apology, but I didn’t necessarily forgive you despite me saying that I did. The messed up part about all of this is the fact that I forgave my friend so easily while I was giving you hell for it. When I had my fifth surgery and was barely able to comprehend what was going on around me, you were the one taking care of me. Instead of laughing at me when I fell on the floor, you were the one to help me back up. You helped my mom clean up the apartment so I wouldn’t have to worry about the mess later on. You even bought me a card which I keep displayed in my room.

Here I am, two years later, writing this in hopes of you reading it and realizing how I felt about you for all these years. Although we are now living our lives in different states and haven’t spoken in over a year, my love for you remains the same. A part of me hopes that we somehow find our way back to each other like we’ve done for years, but I’ve already accepted the fact that it might not ever happen. However, I won’t accept not having you in my life in some way, shape, or form. We’ve been through too much together to not be in each other’s lives, but no matter how our story plays out in the end, you will always be the Dawson to my Joey.