You Are Free

I don't know if you even read what I am writing to you anymore. In every poem and every essay is you and so if you are reading this pathetic attempt at communication. I really miss you.

My mom liked you. She still does. She laughs at how I acted when you would talk to me.

"You were like a dog being scratched behind ears," she tells me. I hate it. I can't get a hold of you. A part of me doesn't want to. I am too afraid that I am not worth any of this, that it's my fault, or you will tell me you have given up on us. Or you will tell me something worse; that you don't love me anymore. What do I do if you tell me you never did love me? Aren't I the idiot then?

I don't know if I can take that. The last time I saw you, I wanted you to say you loved me so badly. I was gonna say it but I was terrified you wouldn't say it back.

The last time you saw me you wouldn't look at me. You didn't smile at me and we didn't talk about our favorite times together. You said something about how I said I would wait for you. I said it in a text message. You said something about you not knowing if I meant it.

I didn't say I did, but I did mean it.

I should have said it but I think a part of me wanted to punish you for not saying I love you; for not reassuring me.

I know you ache too. I think about it a lot. But I do need to tell you how much I hurt without you. I want you to fight for me. I don't know what fighting for me entails or if I am worth it.

But you being able to freely love is worth it, so if you don't fight for me, fight for love; whomever that may be.

I told you I loved you weeks after you said it. You asked me why I wouldn't say it yet and I told you that I would say it when I was absolutely sure I loved you. Because I don't give up on people I love.

So I said I love you. I love you when I was 5 hours away or 20 hours. I love you when you are broken. I love you when I am broken. I love you when I haven't seen you in a month. I love you enough to tell you that you shouldn't be told who to love and who you can't love.

I don't believe you don't care about me. I don't believe you don't love me. Deep down, I believe what you said was true.

But the great Maya Angelou said " Love Liberates." When you properly love someone you set them free. She said on Oprah's show "Love says, 'I love you. I love you if you're in China. I love you if you're across town. I love you if you're in Harlem. I love you. I would like to be near you. I'd like to have your arms around me. I'd like to hear your voice in my ear. But that's not possible now, so I love you. Go.'"

This is me liberating you to love me or anyone. You are free my darling. I give you permission to love and fight for love.

I love you; so you will be free. Make no mistake, you get to choose. I do hope you love me but it's right to choose. And no one can take that away.