You Are My Rock, and the Ghost That Haunts Me

I remember the night we met; just two stupid kids at a party on New Years Eve. Who knew that one girl I met at that party that one time would end up meaning so much to me?

Over the past few years, we’ve become so close, so much closer than I would have ever let myself be with anyone. We became fast friends, and to me, so much more.

As a kid, I would always prefer to spend the weekends alone in my room. Social interaction seemed like a chore, even with my friends. But that all changed when I met you. In you, I found a person I wanted to spend all my free time with. I found someone who seemed like she wanted to be around me.

But that’s just it. I never really knew what you wanted. For so long I wished I could just figure out what I needed to do to get through to you.

For years it’s been killing me.

You knew things about me that I barely even knew myself. I told you things I would never tell anyone in a million years. Whatever I went through, you had a way of making it better.

You were my rock, but I guess I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Every chance I had to show you how I was really feeling haunts me. I’ve never felt so alone. Just me and the countless ghosts of the people we could have been.

And these ghosts are what terrify me the most.

It seems that whatever I do, I cannot escape them. I live my life in fear of these ghosts and the countless mistakes with which they haunt me. Every time I start running, start trying to escape, I only make it so far. Then there they are, waiting for me as if they never left, constantly reminding me of the reasons for all my pain; constantly reminding me of you.

But for some reason, this pain is almost a comfort.

Every time I’m faced with the past and the mistakes I made along the way, you’re there to remind me of the good times hidden within this pain. I see all the good memories we shared when I wasn’t thinking about how I might screw it up. Every time, you show me the way through. I see past the humiliation, pain, and heartbreak. I break through all the stress, doubt, and insecurity.

I move past it all and I see love.

I see the reason these ghosts keep coming back. They remind me that I can’t give up, because if I truly love you in the way that I feel I do, I know there’s no going back. So I will continue to push through, and unless someone comes to pull me out of this flood that I’m drowning in, I will need to learn to swim in it until I find that rock in the eye of the storm where I can rest my head and know that I’ll be okay.

I can only hope I find my rock again soon.